Who is this BITCH? And what's she doing in MY body?

Tuesday, September 23, 2008 

I got up this morning, stumbled to the bathroom in the usual non-graceful fashion for an early pre-caffeinated state, managing to miss the offset marble threshold that threatens my toes every morning. When I looked in the mirror, I was completely rocked back onto my heels. That woman staring out at me - I do not know her and damn is she pissed off! So who is this bitch and what is she doing in my body?  Good question. When I check, I notice that my body feels sad and heavy. That happens from time to time, but usually passes quickly. But today it feels like the kind of sadness that wants a permanent back country permit to camp long-term. And I am no longer giving those kinds of things out. Willing to have there be small bouts of sadness interspersed with lots of laughter and joy, but not this. NEVER THIS! So the angry bitch stamps the long-term pass REJECTED and flings the sadness a day pass! That feels fucking great.  And I move on to the next part of my day - going to work.  Normally i LOVE work. No REALLY. I know that is just sick, but I am lucky that way. But today I wanna just curl up and allow that one day of sadness to breeze through on its way to somewhere else like a migrating snow goose. But I can't. So I am grumbling about my job and still going anyway like a good drone. On my way to work I wait patiently behind the double parked FEDEX truck on Vernon for a moment, then say WTF and go 'round it only to meet a huge Caddy flying right at me at warp speed. I get flipped off quite robustly by the 70 year old dude who can't be inconvenienced to use the brakes on his boat of a car. He does not know who he has just birdied. I so long to just slam the car into park and march over and tell this old mother fucker off. But I don't. That might give the bitch just a little too much latitude for comfort in this pacifist's body. I wonder what makes someone be so angry at 70 that they would flip someone off? I avow that I will not be like that at 70. Then realize that I am like that RIGHT NOW in this moment. FURIOUS with the world. ANGRY at my body for wanting this sadness. PISSED OFF at this old man. STEAMING about having to go to work. IRATE at the Radiation Auditor who "surprises" me with an inspection when I get there. FUMING that my boss is not here today to carry part of the load. And absolutely INCENSED with the medical bureaucracy that still has me waiting.  I know Angry Bitch is here for a reason. I don't even wanna know what that is. Just hoping she leaves soon before someone dies.