Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Pieces of Me

Friday, October 17, 2008 

Ok I set out to write this blog yesterday, but the previous one is what wanted out. My writer's out box is sometimes like that, I begin one piece and end up with something very different. Mostly I enjoy these quick course corrections, but this still wanted out as well. So.....

I have been thinking a lot this summer of how I am in relationship with men, with women and with myself. Looking for patterns of behavior to key me in to thing that I want to work on changing. Seeing how those patterns have evolved over my life. Kinda diggin' the insight. This has been prompted by my desire to not be so alone anymore, to have someone to hold me as I fall asleep, to have another brain to pick when mine seems a dustbowl, to just have another voice in my life besides those in my head. 

I am tantalizingly close to manifesting this, so it seems a good idea to be ready. After living alone for most of my life, I know there are changes and compromises that will be required. The usual ones like the toilet seat, the toothpaste cap, the TV remote - I could give a fiddler's fart about those things. In fact, there is only one thing that I will no longer compromise in any way and that is who I am or how I represent that to the world. I have done this in some excruciating contra dance my whole life. 

Hide the pretty. Hide the plain. Hide the princess. Hide the broken. Hide the analytical. Hide the spiritual. Hide the pleasure. Hide the grief. Hide the knowing. Hide the tears. Hide the poet. Hide the dreamer. Hide the artist. Hide the scientist. Hide the book whore. Hide the sensualist. Hide the body. Hide the mind. Hide the spirit. Hide the abuse. Hide the child. Hide the woman. Hide the curves. Hide the sexuality. Hide the lover. Hide the cutting. Hide the drinking. Hide the pain. Hide the emptiness. Hide the depression. Hide the starving. 

Hide the pieces until they were all safely tucked away where no one could possibly see them all. 

I have been seeking out these pieces for the last few years, deliberately reuniting them all from their scattered haunts. A self-loving labor. And I remember who I am more clearly because of that. I like that person and expect for the people around me to be able to accept that woman in her complex simplicity, in her logical irrationality, in her chaotic orderliness, in all her polar equatorial extremes. 

You can hold the remote. I don't care as long as you see all of me.

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