Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Things have been kinda a mess with me these last few months. This time of year always fucks with me. Some kind of seasonal affective disorder. It usually reaches its worst right around the winter solstice - that shortest day/longest night - and improves from there. Something about being stuck inside under the fluorescent lighting for extended periods of time just seems so ghastly. Add to that the holiday with its guilt ridded enforced gift giving, and lots of time to spend with my dysfunctional family - well who can blame a girl for going a bit nuts. I have a great social support, lots of friends, and enjoy most of the people I work with. But this time of the year sees that network collapse back into their own family units leaving me like the cheese in the farmer and the dell - standing alone. Those of you who know me, know that alone is generally good for me. But too much alone is quite the opposite. And this year as I became the cheese yet again, I kinda lost it. OK. Not kinda. I LOST IT! I went nuts for a couple weeks in December - angry at everyone. Not quite the kicking puppies kinda mad, but definitely into the scaring small children range. And the crying - Jeez. I don't think I have cried as much in my 47 years as I have the last couple months. And for NO FUCKING REASON! Nope. One minute having normal polite conversation, the next gulping for air and tears gushing - sometimes followed by the head in the garbage can heaving. Wondering if perhaps the lab chemicals had finally caused some serious brain damage? For the last week I have been flat on my back sick. The doc said pneumonia, but I have had pneumonia before and this ain't it! The worst part has been the coughing. Deep, unproductive, all day hacking - until every one of my chest muscles is screaming like they have been under the control of the evil personal trainer elf - laurie. I tell you that only to set the framework for where I am. Physically - sick, Emotionally - out of control, Spiritually - let's just say oops. I decide that it is time to get off my ass and get some answers bc, while this has manifested as something tangible, it has a very spiritual 'feeling' cause to it. My journey vision (or as I like to think of it WTF is up with that). It is a beautiful sunny day and I am lying on the grass. Soaking in the sun. I get up, but can't move and my body wants to run so badly. I look around for the cause and see a floating balloon tied to me that for all the world looks like a rock. I touch it, it IS of course a rock. As soon as I touch it, I recognize that this is a bit of drama that recently played out in my life and that squished me haplessly in the middle of it. Confidences betrayed by a very dear friend and blame and accusation from another in order to defer her guilt onto me. The question I ask is why am I holding onto this? Other than be confused and ask about the motivation for the actions, I haven't done anything except be friends to these 2 women. So why am I carrying this load? EXACTLY!! I reach up and cut the string, the rock balloon floats off belying how heavy it felt to me. And I am able to begin moving ever so slowly. I notice other balloons tied to me and realize that I have been scooping up other people's shit again. I put my hands on the next one. This is anger toward my mom. To put my hands on it brings all those emotions right to the front. RED HOT LIVID. I cut the cord on that one and the anger slips away and I can shuffle me feet a bit more. I look at all the balloons that need releasing and think - there is no way I want to re-experience what these are. Best to just cut them and let them go whatever they are. So I begin slowly and carefully cutting them away and find I can walk, then run. The cutting proceeds more quickly once I realize that these things are holding me in this stagnant and static place. Pretty soon my own feet are not fast enough and I am riding a horse. I am sawing on the final few cords and when they are severed, it happens. I float free and fly. Soaring under my own control, wherever my fancy takes me enjoying the freedom and lightness. An interesting thing to ponder there. That the things that seemed like they should buoy me up - the balloons - in fact served only to weigh me down and keep me bound. |
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