Change the Outcome

Sunday, October 05, 2008 

Last week I was having a teary conversation with a person who has become very dear to me. In it I am sharing how stressed I am by things in my life right now that seem totally out of my control, especially the waiting game being danced by the medical community regarding the lump in my breast. In truth, most of the 'stress' is my resistance to the changes these events might mean to my well-ordered and logical life (Hey, once a science chick, always a science chick) and from my pulling away from a future that I envision as containing only the worst outcome.  He begins to speak to me of 'changing the outcome' - a message I hear, but do not believe in that moment. How can I change things that are out of my control? It simply doesn't seem possible in that moment. And so I hear the message, but do not act on it.  I guess Spirit wanted me to take another look at it though, because a couple days later I am in Borders in Crestview when I spy a little blue card on the floor. On it is printed a simple phrase. You guessed it - Change the Outcome. So as I stand there holding this tiny slip of paper in my hands I can only believe that it is important, that it is meant for me and that I need to take another look at things. So, like a good scientist, I begin to weigh and evaluate things more objectively - this time without all the boo-hooing. I know that what I believe brings about shifts in the Universal Energy Field and what I have been thinking about recently - well let's just say I want NONE of that. How worrying and stewing about that lump has given it power - perhaps the kind of power that feeds it and makes it grow - maybe even transforms it into something cancerous. How allowing myself to expect the worst for even a moment in relationship shifts me out of the present moment and into a future that doesn't exist yet. And by imagining that bad outcome over and over that becomes all I can see. I begin lashing out, withdrawing, self-protecting and those very real actions result in the exact bad outcome that I did not want and that I resisted so strongly and tearily to begin with. Screwy but true. I have done this experiment too many times not to believe the data. It has a p-value of statistical significance that is undeniable.  So I began to focus more on what I do want.  To love openly and honestly To be loved for who I am  And I have begun keeping my focus there and less in the place of fear and worry. The funny thing is that nothing has changed or been resolved regarding the ongoing issues in my life, but I am happier, calmer and way more sane. I wake up with a child-like love of life (I said LIFE not MORNING), and approach my day excited to see what happens. What will begin today? What will end today? And what part of today will allow me enjoy the gooey center? Mmmmmmmm..I love the gooey center. Change the Outcome.  Message received.