Happy Birthday Da

Wednesday, April 22, 2009 

Today, April 22, is my dad's birthday. A little freaked bc I had to call my mom and confirm that was so. How can I have let that slip from my head? What was so important for me to remember that I almost let that go? If he were alive today, he would be 88. Yes, I do see all those magic elevensies in there.  Fitting that today we also celebrate Earth Day, bc he was most definitely an Earth creature. Taurus in his stubbornness. The epitome of the WWII generation. Stoic, distant, secretive. Our house growing up was a cold place without much in the way of love. In fact, love was a weapon used to control and ultimately to destroy each other. I watched that dynamic play out between my parents with front row seats always wondering why they were so cruel to each other. How I wanted them to love each other. Maybe then they would love me. Comprehending more now with my adult eyes what my child's eyes faithfully recorded, but did not understand.  Some very hard lessons learned there at a very tender age. I learned about physical and emotional abuse without the counterbalance of love and came so close to the edge of the abyss as a direct result. OK. Truth be told, I tried to throw myself into the abyss repeatedly, but was always "rescued" by some unknown force. I say unknown, but I know damn well who it is/was. It was my dad. It still is.  Throughout the darkest moments of my childhood, there are wonderful glimpses of a man who truly cherished me, wanted me, loved me but did not know how to show it. And once my mother saw that she did her best to destroy it. These were the only things that sustained me until I gained an adult's understanding. Sadly, there were just not enough of these glimpses for me to string together to hold the center once I gained that understanding and so I shattered. Shattered my soul to survive hell. Shattered who I am to become the chameleon who could always please anyone or go unnoticed as needed. I did what I had to to survive.  That survival has always been protected by my dad from the other side. Even when I did not hold faith with him, he still kept faith with me and shielded me from harm. There are too many instances where I felt a benevolent touch that steered me away from self-destruction and toward a place of healing - a touch I know now to be his. I have learned to listen to what he says, to allow him to love me without a need to protect myself and to trust that what I experienced as a child does not have to be my future.  I write these things without any anger or guilt. There has been too much of that already. My dad encourages me to continue to explore the path of compassion and love that I originally chose so bravely. He cheers me on believing that I can do the seemingly impossible - that I can learn to love. And with his help....maybe I can. Happy Birthday Da!