Change the Outcome (PtII)

Monday, August 10, 2009 

Ok....it's been a lousy spring for me.  And I have allowed that lousiness to ooze well into summer.  I have been coasting along waiting for something to happen that would change the status quo.  Waiting.....waiting.....waiting....waiting.  Stuck in the queue of Celestial Services to put in my request.  Not many people would notice my struggle though.  I am, after years of training, quite adept at hiding what's going on under a variety of smiling and personable masks and when it gets really bad just disappearing from right under your nose.  Survivor skills 101 (BTW - a class I do not recommend).  I do ok when I am around other people, but fold as soon as I am alone - which is not like me at all.  I LIKE to be alone where I can groove on my own thoughts, scribble a bit, drink coffee, dance badly to whatever's in the CD player and not wear a bra.  So I have found this particular lousy really hard.  And I was accepting of it for a long time (some might say too long), that is until it decided to FUCK WITH MY DESIRE TO WRITE.  That brought on the full ice axe arrest.  NO FUCKING way am I goin' over that edge again.  It took me years to climb out of that particular chasm where I heard no words of truth or beauty.  All I heard was the shadowy echo of my own demons.   Un-uh!  The fading and ultimately the complete disappearance of the words from my head would be the thing that finally got my attention.  Stop waiting.  WAKE UP!  What needs to change and how can I do that RIGHT NOW?  The answer was not one that I had wanted to hear.  For months I have been trying to gently disentangle my heart and my energy from someone else without lasting success.  Oh, it would work for a hot minute, but always I ended up back where I started.  I had tried it all, but every moment was still so full of him.  Waking and sleeping there he was in my heart, in my head, in my energy field.  The time for gentle anything was now passed.  I needed a solution fast or I was gonna find myself over that edge.  My peeps provided me with what I needed, even helped me execute it.  All while I slept.  You gotta love that!   It was a radical solution – to completely remove him from my life.  But necessary in order to stop me from disappearing.  For once in my life I chose me and I feel so much better.