OKOKOK......

Monday, April 20, 2009 

I get it...kinda. Starting to anyway......... A tough month and a really tough weekend where seemingly everything shifted around in my life, where disappointment abounded, where connections were made, remade and snapped at random. Operating on very little sleep, or food and perhaps a bit too much Patron, I am finally starting to see that this shift is not like any previous one.  Other shifts have been a struggle only up to the point of understanding/acceptance and then POW - marvelous new things opening up. So of course I thought that this one would be the same. Why wouldn't I? That I would struggle with the understanding and then be released to move on.  This one though has taken so much out of me. Has emptied me to the point of collapse. And I have been flailing trying desperately to fill the growing emptiness with anything at hand. I had reached the place of understanding and acted on it - over and over again. But, no relief came. WTF? When I asked why (OK bitched and moaned why) and finally became still enough to hear the answer, I didn't like what I heard. That this one is NOT going to be a quick adjustment, but a long slow remodeling process. That is why so much demolition had been necessary. FUCK!!! Did I ask for that wrecking ball? REALLY?? Didn't matter. Too late. Done deal. At least the demo part is now over.  So I have spent the last few days sitting in the rubble of what used to be my life. Choosing to cover myself in the ashes and grieve for what was. Picking thru the pieces and looking for anything to hold on to from what was. Finding nothing. Wanting to blame pretty much everyone for this mess.... I realize today that this is my chance to change things, to build a sturdier foundation, to add more windows so that there can be light, to insulate against the cold better, to add a space for my creative self to work unhindered, to get rid of entire rooms full of junk all at once instead of piecemeal. That would be nice bc I have been an emotional packrat of sorts. To just make it the home that I deserve. Finally seeing that this is just gonna take some time, to be patient, to trust that the builders can help me create this newness from my doodle-like blueprint of a dream. And to keep seeing the finished product rather than moaning about the slowness of it. To begin to enjoy the process itself by becoming the foreman of this job rather than an onlooker. To take satisfaction with every beam that is placed, to scribe them full of intentions and self-love such that I can never be brought low again.  "Now where is that monkey. I wanna shoot something." NB - no monkeys were actually hurt in the writing of this blog.