Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Stress

It amazes me how much stress one human body can hold and still function perfectly well. Layers upon layers. One layer no more than removed and another evolving to take its place like the teeth in a shark's mouth. There is a lot going on for me right now. I could choose to ignore it - my usual MO. Or allow it to own me - my backup MO. Today I just accept that it is there. Nod cordially in its direction. What I will not do, is invite it in and give it a home. 

Last night I got to peel off one of those layers - reading my Greenbook. For those of you not familiar with that, at Women Writing for a Change there are a couple nights set aside for one woman to read her writing to the entire group for about half an hour. I loathe public speaking even in this safest of environments - perhaps it just makes me feel too visible. And given that the nature of my writing is sometimes slogging thru the deepest, darkest and ugliest of interior spaces - a spritual Mike Rowe if you will - that sense of exposure is even more pronounced. But, I signed up anyway, knowing I "needed" to do this. The preparation dinna fash me. (LOL I threw that in for Suz). I know that my writing is a gift and that part of the dealio is that I am to share with others my process and my journey no matter how badly I fuck up, resist, flail or succeed. The writing pieces fell into place easily and quickly. Then all I was left with was the actual doing....and the nerves.

I got a lot of great suggestions and support from my friends and the women at WWfaC. Homer and Sherry both took time out of their own busy to let me practice on them even tho' Sherry has already read almost all of the pieces. At Suz's suggestion I called in a couple of my favorite authors - Thoureau and Poe (it is his time of year after all). 

As I sat in the circle last night waiting for my big moment, I reminded myself to breathe deeply. Inhaling the calm of the circle and exhaling worry. Any doubts I might have had evaporated when I felt a large hand settle onto my shoulder. I turned and saw Mama's radiant smile and behind her a legion of other women who are my ancestors also smiling. It has taken a lot of work on both sides of the veil to get to this night. I acknowledge that and my face splits into my own crazy grin. I blinked back the tears at my amazing fortune, took a deep breath and began. My name is Mary........

There was a marked decrease in stress this time through and although I was nervous, there was no head-in-the-trash-can kinda event. YAY! I won't say that I enjoyed it, but I also didn't freak the fuck out like usual. I'm chalking this one up as a total WIN for me. I voluntarily chose to do something that scared the bejesus outta me. That's twice this year....I think that's enough for a while. 

Now on to that next layer.......

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