Returning

Thursday, June 04, 2009 

I brought back the usual trinkets from England.  Post cards.  Photos.  Stones. T-shirts. Odd scraps of writing.  Ticket stubs.  Memories.  What I did not bring back was the woman who left.  Well.....not all of her anyway.        I shed the sad and broken feeling woman somewhere along the way.  The one who had begun to see herself as powerless.  As undesirable.  The frustrated and angry one.  The one so full of anxiety and fear.  She had been an albatross for too long and needed to go, but I could not figure out how to do that.        Sitting down to write today I realized that she was gone.  No desire to re-establish bonds that had been broken or severely mutilated because I felt I needed them somehow.  Ready to make new bonds with those able to be what I need too instead of just being what they need always.  Ready to own who I am.  To be who I am without the crutch of someone to mirror that back to me.  That is a kind of vanity I do not want.  Do not want to preen in front of that mirror or constantly feel the need to check it and see if I am OK.  I am OK and I know it.        I needed this trip more than I knew.  Needed to be somewhere else for a while where there was no one to be that mirror.  Needed to disconnect from a life in shambles.  Ready to just let it all go and see what happened.  And what happened was a gift.  A wonderful gift.   Thanks to Duz for doing this for me.