Saturday, June 13, 2009
Part of my spiritual task here is to bring love into the world. To explore love in every facet of life. In every manner that it is presented. Perhaps a bit of everyone's task is to do the same. I can't speak to that. But real honest love seems so lacking when I look around me. Instead what I see is generally power/control guised as love. Don't get me wrong. We are taught that is how love should be. Using my own life as an example, I have been taught/shown that love is: a weapon, a weakness, controlling, habit, manipulative, desire, ownership, deeply selfish. Emotion manifested like that is not LOVE. Not only is it not LOVE, it is utter self-destruction. So, those early experiences around love made me shut down and stop exploring LOVE. Made me stop working with LOVE. Made me stop feeling LOVE. I am an uber-feeler when it comes to emotions, especially those of others. I have done my best to deny that by becoming uber-rational instead, but these days I am seeking a balance between reason and emotion. Only as I became more aware of the spiritual aspects of my life that had been undeveloped for years, did I begin to recognize that LOVE was part of what I had been charged to do while I am here. So I began the job of re-opening myself to LOVE. I can still distinctly remember a conversation I had with Brent a couple years ago. I am telling him that I never feel LOVE from someone else. I can feel the energy of loving them, but that I never feel the flow of energy back to me. That is probably my first awareness of how deeply closed off I am. There are people in my life I know absolutely love me. Jackie. Sherry. Patricia. Suzanne. Intellectually I know, but what I want is to feel that flow of energy from them. Want to unlock that door and let them in. At the same time I don't wanna just throw the doors wide open and let in everything. I tried that route and the results were disastrous and costly. This year I have learned alot about LOVE. What it is. What it isn't. The last few lessons have come courtesy of Homer. He has been a great teacher for me and I love him for being that as authentically as he could. Here are those last few. Love is honest. Even when it hurts. Especially when it hurts. Because to chose to hide or dissemble from the truth only lets that cosmic hammer grow in size. I truly hate that hammer. Mostly what I wanted to write about today is the last lesson about love. This one only became clear as things started to really fall apart. That is that LOVE when it is real and honest desires the other person's happiness - even if that means without you. This has taken me a while to adjust to. I have to admit I fought seeing it, much less taking it in and applying it. But in the end that is exactly what I want. I want the people I love to be happy. BTW - that includes me. It isn't up to me to provide that happiness for them. That is their task. But I can choose not to oppose their decisions to move toward their own happiness when it means moving away from me. And I believe that by doing that, I make room for someone to come into my life who can be what I need next in my quest to understand LOVE. |
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