My Toolbox

Thursday, October 16, 2008 

I know who I am. I see the tools in my toolbox. And while I can't help but sneak a peek at someone else's toolbox from time to time, maybe curious or envious of what I find in theirs, mostly I am happy with what I was given and what I have acquired - so far. I got the good brain tool in this lifetime. I will admit it, it is my fave. I like the way my brain works - always have. It is twisty in ways that keeps life from ever being boring. It has allowed me to provide for myself and given me creative outlet thru my words. I am rarely bored even when the power goes out because the finest machine I have is always working. But it has been uniquely challenging to hold that as a woman, as a woman in science, as a woman in a culture that favors beauty over brains and as a woman pursuing a spiritual path.  I need diversity. I like people who think differently than I do, look different than I do, are interested in different things than I am. Sameness is so boring to me from food to music, from television to conversation. Sameness is a kind of hell/punishment for me. I am always ready to welcome someone who adds to the diversity spice. I am a peacemaker. I understand conflict, will even seek it out when the pot needs stirring, but ultimately I want resolution, even if that falls away from my preferred position. I have my beliefs about things, but can generally see how the opposite could also be held as truth. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, should be encouraged to discuss those things openly and should also recognize that our beliefs are not necessarily true or right for all. That our beliefs are often the product of our junk. One of my favorite things to experience is an impassioned, yet fairly rational, discussion around a theme. And I love it when someone convinces me to change my way of thinking about something that I have believed because I know that I have just let go of another piece of my junk.  I have a very child-like view of the world. By that I mean that despite some pretty nasty events that might have left me jaded as hell, I have retained a sense of wonder and curiosity about the world around me. I like goofiness, sing-song rhyming, twirling in circles for no reason, stories, swings, nap time, jumping into the leaves even though it means that I have to rake them again, laughter and play.  I love stories, love words as they jumble-tumble out of my head, my ears, my eyes. I recognize that story is an incredibly powerful tool for change, but that our culture has disconnected itself from this. Still I go on collecting the stories because I love them so and it brings me such joy. Spilling out words to whoever will read them. Always hoping to reconnect the people around me to the power of their own story.  I am forgiving. That has been the tool that has cost me the most to acquire - so far. It was part of what I hoped to learn in this lifetime. Sadly, I do not always remember to use this tool, maybe because it is still so shiny and new. The ironic part about it though is that it is not a tool that helps anyone but me and the benefits to me are priceless. I should use it more.  I like to push useless boundaries/rules. Nothing gets me so jazzed as destroying one altogether so that two things previously held as separate entities can now flow together into something new and wonderful - something whole.  I love generously. Mind out of the gutter please. By that I mean that it is easy for me to love the people around me. Easier now to tell them that than it has been in the past. I just can't/won't hold that back because I see no reason not to say it. This tool is strangely elastic. I never run out of room no matter how many people I hold in my heart. In fact, the more I hold, the more I can hold. That is a twisty thought for my brain to love. The elasticity of the love tool (again mind out of the gutter) dares me to try to even use it on the people who have hurt me. Not quite as adept with the tool used like that, but I am learning. I am plugged in to the divine. This one took a while to get powered up. Oh yeah. It is most definitely a power tool, is the power that runs many of the other tools. The brain that I am so fond of kept insisting on proof that the woo-woo metaphysical theories were true. And 8 years into the experiment, I have the brain convinced that the theories are correct. I regularly spend time meditating and roving about with my "other side peeps". Their directions have proven to be sound and have brought me great friends, amazing teachers/healers, and a new way of being in the world where I no longer feel like I need to keep my tools all to myself hidden away in my toolbox.