Saturday, December 5, 2009

Winter Fucks With Me

Winter has always been a hard time for me. Only recently have I begun to understand that what I experience is a type of seasonal affective disorder (SAD). Brought on by decreasing amounts of sunlight, my mood generally tanks around Christmas and reaches its nadir around the Winter Solstice. It has become much more obvious to me in the years since I stopped drinking to soothe things over. In retrospect, I was almost always sick during the holiday break even as a child. So, I suspect that it has been going on my entire life.

This year has been a stressful one. As was last year. Last winter was the pits. This winter looked to be shaping up to be more of the same. I have great friends and a marvelous support system. But, at this time of the year those people pull back into their own small family groups to nestle against the cold - leaving me like the proverbial cheese - standing alone. Normally, alone is not a problem. But at this time of the year it is not what I am craving. I could do what the rest of my friends do, but too much time spent in the bosom of my family makes me want to carve their hearts out with Sherry's rusty spoon.

About 4 weeks ago I mentioned this to my family doc during a routine check up. She left the room and came back with some sample packs of something. Conversation ensued.

Mary : What is that?
Doc : Lexapro
Mary : Again, what is that?
Doc : It's an anti-depressant
Mary : Why are you handing them to me
Doc : I want you to take them
Mary : Why?
Doc : Because I think you are depressed (this based on a conversation of less than 10 minutes??)
Mary : But I didn't ask for those
Doc : Still I think it would be good for you to take them (said fairly emphatically)
Mary : What kind of side effects might they cause
Doc : None

At this point I realize it will just be easier to take the pills with me than to try to leave them. So I do. Then I go home and do what any thinking person should do - research them on the internet. First thing is - side effects. Obviously Doc needs to brush up on her Lexapro package info bc the website for the pharmaceutical company that makes Lexapro lists a crapload of possible side effects like - weight gain, various sexual side effects, blahblahblah.

Even after I read that I thought what if she is right and a simple pill can make me breeze thru the winter without the doldrums? I ask myself that question for days. Weighing it carefully against those side effects. Conversation with myself ensues:

Mary 1 : The doctor told you to take them. That they would make you feel better
Mary 2 : She also told me they had no side effects which makes me question how smart she really is
Mary 1 : This winter looks like it is gonna be worse than last year. You could use some help
Mary 2 : But I don't want to take any more drugs than I already do.
Mary 1 : Do you remember the crying jags last winter? Wouldnt it be nice not to have those again.
Mary 2 : Do you remember the struggle to drop 100 pounds? Wouldnt it be nice NOT to gain 30-40 quick pounds?
Mary 1: The doctor wouldnt tell you you need to lose weight and then give you something that would make you fail at that.
Mary 2 : WTF - She didnt even know about that.
Mary 1 : (changing the subject) Wouldnt it be nice to smile and be happy all winter?
Mary 2 : Yes it would. But how much smiling will I be doing if I lose my ability to orgasm?
Mary 1 : Oh puuuhlease. That doesn't happen to everyone and it probably take years to produce that effect.
Mary 2 : Really?
Mary 1 : Absolutely. So how about we take them for 2 months and see what happens.

And just like that Mary 1 won out and I started taking the pills. Even though I knew the side effects. Even though every time I put one of those pills in my mouth I KNEW that it was not the right choice. Not even 2 weeks into it, those side effects became apparent. And I stopped taking them. GOOD DECISION. RIGHT DECISION.

So how am I gonna combat those blahs without those magic beans? By taking better care of me. Indulging myself a little more. Exploring more homeopathic remedies. By laughing. Relying on my Reiki healer friends more to help me keep emotionally balanced. By meditating and exercising a bit more. By telling my friends what I need and asking for their help. By getting tattooed. By doing the one thing that always helps - by learning some new things. Perhaps some outrageous things. And finally by thoroughly enjoying every fucking orgasm that I have knowing that if I had listened to the Doc those would have gone the way of the dodo.

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