Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Letting Go.

These past few months have been about letting go.  Sometimes in small ways.  Sometimes in very large ones.  I had worked my way thru most of it, but was still hanging on to one last thing - the hurt and disappointment about the end of my relationship.  I tried so hard to move from a place of lovers to a place of friends because it was what he wanted.  Tried to hold on to the love and let go of the passion and deep connection.  Tried, but ultimately recognized that doing that, while it worked for him, was like picking a scab over and over for me.  The odd e-mail, the random posts on my FB wall.  The counter-posts from his new girlfriend - UGH!  Every one of those made my heart miss a few beats and my stomach lurch like it was high seas.  I was lost for how to make that be different. 

The solution was simple, yet oh so very hard to execute.  As gently and with all the love I have for him, I let him go.  Cut the cords that I have and any that remained with me.  Removed him from FB and MS so that the scab could heal over without that constant reminder of what I no longer have.  In doing that, I am making room for someone who can be part of my life in the way that pleases me.  In doing that, I discovered how strong I am.  In doing that, I felt lighter.  And in doing that, I felt a surge of joy when it was done.  Not that I was happy for the end, just that I was happy to be moving on.  

Today I let that joy burble forth in the most childlike way.  I did something I hadn't done in 25 years or more - since my fun and foolish college days.  I gave my Wal-Mart (yes, I was at the Walmart) shopping cart a shove out into the parking lot, jumped up onto the bottom bar and let myself sail across the asphalt and letting the breeze blow my hair into reckless disarray.  Laughing like a pirate the whole way.  Being happy.  Being ME!

No comments:

Post a Comment

 I have written a lot about my belly - series of poems dedicated to it. I happen to like my belly. Always have Oh, I know it's not what ...