Deciding to get the bloggy bit out of the way so I can head off to Green Dog for noms and a couple hours of writing. I actually had to stop and think about this one for a NY minute because while I am aware of change when I am in it, once it's done evolving it merely becomes part of the new me.
Obviously I am 2 years older and have jumped the broom into my 6th decade of life (I turned 50). That didn't fuss me all that much. It's just a number after all. Fusses me not at all compared to my mom becoming 'forgetful'. Age for me is so inconsequential - I think I was born to be this age - whatever age that is. But people are right about one thing - women as they age rediscover their power. If they are smart they embrace that process, if not well I don't want to know.
My boobs are half the size they were. About this time 2 years ago I was preparing for breast reduction surgery. Lots of nerves and tears and angst. But in the end I am overjoyed with the results both inner and outer. I discovered how deeply I identified with having big boobs and that I am so much more than my big rack.
I was let go from a job I love about a year ago. A job that I had had for almost 25 years. I didn't do anything wrong. Quite the contrary I had done it right - published 8 first author papers, presented my work at both national and international meetings, trained 2-3 post doctoral fellows, 1 clinical fellow, half a dozen graduate students, and dozens of undergrads. There is a certain pride in that. Even though I did a lot of the day to day hand holding, the credit for all those people will go to my former boss. Mostly I'm OK with that. Anyway, I got 6 months paid to sit and write and just kick back. I enjoyed the hell out of that. And I met myself during those months of sleeping late and hiking. I realized that science is not just my career, it is my passion. How I craved to have someone ask me to puzzle some theory or troubleshoot an experiment. I discovered that while I love writing, I need something for the writing to scrap up against to ignite the words. Work was a good scrap-y environment. Less scraping meant less writing. I discovered what a big part of my life is made happy by discovery. Science makes me happy because it is about boundless discovery.
Being off work I learned to manage my money, paid off almost all of my debt and learned the joy of less. No, you didn't read that wrong. There is joy in having less. There is lightness. There is freedom. Counterbalanced by the absolute dread of not having health care insurance - yikes!
I had real job interviews for the first time ever. HATE THOSE! But I trusted my intuition that told me the job was coming, with whom and when. I wish I always heard things this clearly. I wonder why I don't? I'm sure the intuition about other things is equally strong, but that I dismiss it or fracture the laser beam intensity until I can logic it away. I should learn not to do that.
I started a new job. Not crazy about the kind of science we are doing. But I am happy. There are people around me that make me laugh. I have windows and light. My right brain is happy busy deciphering obscure results and what they mean. My left brain is free to explore the universe.
In the end two years later - I am making great strides to strip off the unnecessary parts of me and my stuff to get to the center of who I am. Stay tuned. I'll tell you in two more years where I am.
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