#17 Things That Scare Me

Oh Goodgawd isn't this over yet? 

If you had asked me that 10 years ago I would have needed a Kroger cart to hold them all.  But somehow hearing you have cancer makes you evaluate what's real in your life and let everything else go.  Fear isn't always real.  It's self-created.  That means it can be overcome.  Things that scare me are straw men - made to be knocked down.  I don't like the idea that I am limited by my own fear and will attack something that creates fear for me (or kinda rub up against it like an overfreindly cat when head-on seems to much).

For years I was afraid of my own power.  Afraid people wouldn't like me if they could see how smart, goofy, talented, ________(fill in the blank) I really was.  I learned how to be in my power by deliberately choosing to have very strong women friends.  The kind who call you an asshat to your face when you deserve it - rather than the kind that say it only behind your back whether you deserve it or not.   These bitches accept nothing but the best and that includes their friends.  Standing up took a while.  Standing up and disagreeing with them took even longer.  But I did it.  Their way in the world is not necessarily mine and I have to tell them so - a lot.  I am less often the 'head on' than the 'rub up against' kinda girl.  In the end, I think I get just as much, or more, done and I can sleep at night content that I while I was in my power, I was also in my truth.  Really what is one without the other?  That's right.  It's BULLSHIT and the world knows it. 

I was also scared spitless by the idea of public performance of any kind.  The stress of giving journal club or a research presentation in graduate school cut years off my life I'm sure of it.  I am and always will be more comfy in a supporting or behind the scenes role.  But sometimes a wave will roll you up coughing and sputtering right out into the spot light and then what?  Exactly.  You gotta geat up and dance....or sing.....or act......or whatever it is that needs doing.  I hated the idea of public speaking.  I still have to force myself to do this, but I have gotten better and the fear has mostly subsided.  I will never seek it out, but if I land there, I can hold my own. 

Western society is FULL of things that tell me what I can't do....as a woman.....as a woman of size......as a woman on an alternative spiritual path.  I have been jousting these straw men one by one - not allowing society's truth to become mine.  A woman can embrace her own nerd and find joy, can be round and dead sexy, can follow her heart wherever it leads.  Not dancing just inside society's little cage allows me more elbow room, broader arcs, more fantastic leaps and an occasional 10 point landing.  Who wouldn't choose this if they knew what it was like?  Why do we allow the world to tell us it is fear-worthy.  It most certainly is anything but.

The only thing I truly fear these days is heights.  The day is coming when you will see me post about skydiving or hang gliding or some other over the top thing.  But for now I am content to inch closer to the edge and rub up against it.