Snowing in My Mind

I lost a whole day of writing yesterday.  The characters paused in mid-stride, mid-sentence looking at me expectantly for what comes next.  Their expectation only making it all worse.  Oh, I tried.  For almost six hours I made myself return to my chair like a naughty spot.  For six hours I crept away from there like a rebellious toddler.  I made more tea.  I did laundry.  I even dusted (Yes, it was THAT bad).  But most of the day I spent staring out the window all moony-eyed at the snow.

Snow in Ohio-ucky in March is weird, but that was only part of what distracted me.  I kept flashing back to Saturday night and kissing J in the snow.  WTH - right?  When I caught myself doing this, I berated myself  for behaving like a 14 year old girl.  "Act like you been there." Then I would be able to sit, my characters STILL staring at me, but no words came and fifteen minutes later my mind is not in Nordalbingia anymore, but in that parking lot again.

"It was one date for chrissake." Nope.
"Get a grip." Nope.
"Who behaves like this?"  Nope.
"You are being irrational."  Ouch.  And nope.
"Stop being crazy."  Obviously pulling out the bigger guns.  Nope.
"Yunno a writer is good at inventing stuff.  Are you just inventing what you want to see?"

"THAT'S IT!!  Get the fuck outta here.  I am not going to listen to you anymore.  What I am going to do is sit here and daydream about a wonderful evening with a perfectly nice guy all goddamn day if I want to and there's NOTHING you can say to stop me.  So shut the fuck up or leave.  I don't care."  And I went back to staring out the window at the snow.

Of course it all made me feel guilty.  So much time wasted.  And it's embarrassing to admit that this logical-minded, middle-aged woman got all swoony over a dude she has been out with ONCE.  But I did and it was glorious and I am quite done apologizing for it.  The thing is, that I don't feel like that today, not that it isn't there.  More that it isn't ruling my world today.   That at least is better given I have a job interview today.

I caught myself turning over that last comment, the idea that I created it and projected it.  But I'm pretty sure than even I would not write such a hack Hallmark moment as that.  Which can only mean that I really do like him.  After one date.  Which is kinda exactly what I asked for.  So now that it's here, why am I so afraid to just allow it to be cool and exciting and fun?  Why am I struggling to embrace its sweetness?

I could continue to try and figure it out, but I'm gonna try something new here.  I'm just gonna go with it and see where it leads.