A River of Shite

The last couple days have really tested my sanity.  It all started when I decided to CMA by filing for unemployment in case I needed it.  That's when the date really hit me when the money train wouldn't stop at my bank account anymore.  That ramped the panic up.  Then this morning there was a glitch and I had to dig up all the pay stubs that I have gotten since November, the ones for my vacation payout and other sundry items.  Panic hitting major levels.  Stomach fried.  Guts roiling.  Can't quite catch my breath and heart rate is in the hummingbird zone.  Can't even get a cup of coffee down.  Forget food or necessary meds.  That's when the nosebleed started.  Having never had one before, I had no idea what to do.

I had asked my friend Suz to do a Soul Retrieval for me and we had picked today.  Moments before leaving, I flushed the toilet and it overflowed a river of shit onto my floor.   Before I ran downstairs for the plunger, I threw whatever I could find to contain the crap.  Whatever in this case would be every towel I own - even the 'good' ones.  As I am trying to clean it up enough to go, I can't stop crying.  The overflowing toilet seems a perfect symbol for where I am right now.  I am so full of anger and disgust, pieces of shame, tired, frightened and I just wanna quit.  And did I mention the anger?  I so want to just regurgitate it all like the toilet.  But I don't want someone else to have to clean up the mess.   I get the mess contained and the bleach swiped across the floor to dry while I am gone.  Towels in the washer to soak.

I bawl the whole way to Suz's.  I am late.  I don't really wanna do this today.  I just want to go sit in the woods somewhere and scream until I lose my voice.  I get a phone call on the way there and manage to dump some of my shit onto the friend on the other end.  Great.  The day just keeps getting better.  I think about turning around, but I look up and I am there.  Shit.

So, I went through with it.  Props to Suz, who had a million other things that were on her plate having JUST MOVED INTO HER HOUSE.  But she made space to do this for me just because I asked.  Ya gotta love a friend like that.    I felt better just sitting and gabbing with her this afternoon.  And the SR - that was spectacular.  It saved today from going completely in the shitter.

Please ancestors.  I need your help.