The Icky. The Owie. The Absurd.

My friend Fabeku posted a blog (http://www.sankofasong.com/blog/31-things-i-never-dreamed-id-share-on-interwebs/) that is bugging the crap outta me.  That piece hit something inside me and has been pool balling off other chunky bits in my brain ever since and knocking stuff loose.  Yunno how it is sometimes.  You know what you want to write, but there's this other thing that comes roaring out whenever you sit down to get to it.  Maybe you would rather just not do this other thing.  But it gives you absolutely no peace.  And you get no writing done.  All I know is I want it OUT!  So it seems like I have some word vomit I need to get rid of before I can write anything else.  

HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS.

PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK.  

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.  

OK so the gist of his post is that you are supposed to conquer your fear of what's hidden inside you by revealing those things right out here in front of God and everybody.  And that by doing so lose whatever in there holds you back.  Course F said it way more funny than that.   There was also some kinda overarching structure about revealing as many items as you have made trips around the sun.  That is way too structured for me.  So just gonna hurl out what's there and hope for little moths of hope when it's all done.  

DEEP BREATH

1.  Let's start with the hardest and ickiest one.  I am a sexual abuse thriver.  Not a survivor.  A THRIVER!  Happened a long time ago, but set some serious crap ass patterns in play that have taken me years to unwind.  It took me 35 years to even speak about it.  But speaking about it is what changed my life and brought healing to those owie places.  Ultimately I have learned alot about forgiveness - which I did not do for anyone's sake but my own.  

2.  I have lost a 100 pounds.  Should be proud of that, but it embarrasses the tar outta me.  Have gained 25 pounds of that back in the last year which also embarrasses me (sensing a theme yet?)

3.  I am an adult child of an alcoholic.  Guess what.  Yup.  The apple didn't fall far from that tree.  Also an on-again-off-again smoker since I was 13.  Neither of those things filled that hole inside me.

4.  I am scary smart, but I like to hide it.  Learned to hide it to avoid ridicule and fit in.  FUCK THAT SHIT!  National Merit Scholar.  >98% on my GRE in biology.  Yaddayaddayadda....funny thing is that I am not very good at hiding it and everyone knows anyway.  So here's to embracing the inner nerd and letting her out to play.

5.  Total daddy's girl even though he was a ghost in my life.  (Not a literal ghost, just rarely around)  But even that tiny bit of parental love was better than the goose egg I got from the maternal unit (Love her.  But we are polar opposites).  I wish he had been around more and stuck around a bit longer.  The part of my life I have lived without him is now larger than the part I lived with him.  Best memory - Him flying home from a job in Florida and surprising me to take me to the Father-Daughter dance when I was 14.  Usually one of my brothers took me, so I quit going to those things.  Worst memory - Springsteen concert in Louisville 1985.  One week after my dad's funeral.  Springsteen played I'm On Fire in the first set.  Yunno.  'Hey little girl is your daddy home?  Did he go away and leave you all alone?'  Don't remember the rest of that concert because I spent it curled on the floor of the women's john.  That song still takes me right back to that exact moment of fluorescent lighting, tears and the smell of urine.

5.  I am a total word whore.  I can never have enough.  Unknown ones will send me flying to the dictionary (or more likely the computer) to find out what they mean.  Some of those stick, others like inchoate never do - despite many trips to the dictionary.  A guy with a big vocabulary - total turn on.  

6.  Speaking of words.....I love the sound of some words.  Will repeat them over and over because I like the way they sound in my head, or the way they make my lips go numb from the vibration (like buzz), or the way they make me feel good.  Icky feeling words get tossed out of the spoken vocab.   A similar thing happens when I play bass or guitar - I can get caught in the space of a single note.  

7.  Got caught with my hand in Art Vaughn's pants by the entire lab crew of mostly guys my first year on the job.  Potty brains!  I was fishing for his wallet for a Chip Wheelie run and his pants were TIGHT!

8.  I am a mimic.  Not in any good or productive way like acting or impersonation.  Just for my own shits and giggles.  I will often spend an entire day speaking in an accent.  My faves are Australian, British, and Pirate.  Yes - I know Pirate is not an officially recognized accent, but it should be.  Maybe it's genetic as Phil does the same thing.  In fact, Phil is the only living soul who has shared a day of dialect with me.  

9.  I prefer to date men of color.  Not for any reason you may be thinking, but simply because in many of their cultures a round woman is desirable over a stick shaped one.  They look at me in a way that ignites something inside me.  White men almost never do.  Pity really.  But it's their loss.  

10.  Speaking of dating.  I did a 15 year stint without dating (read: celibacy).  I just gave up on men entirely because the whole relationship thing was too confusing.  I kinda regret that and could never imagine doing that now.  I genuinely like most guys, but don't wanna date most of them.  Picky weird that way.  

11.  Cancer survivor - 10 years.  I consider this a blessing.  It completely changed the way I lived my life for the better.  I am one of the lucky ones.  Pretty much lucky in every aspect of my life.

12.  I dreamed of being Marlin Perkins and later Dian Fossey.  That dream persisted well into college.  I went so far as to apply to the University of Kenya.  Part of me wonders what THAT life would have been like had I followed thru on it.  

13.  Until I was 18, I had a hard time looking people in the face.  So I looked at my shoes alot.  I love Garrison Keillor for making me feel like less of a freak for that.  

14.  This year I had breast reduction surgery.  Had them made smaller by half.  BEST.DECISION.EVER!  

15.  I like tattoos.  Scratch that.  I LOVE tattoos.  Have for as long as I can remember.  Once caught myself leaning over to trace the lines of a complete stranger's ink on the city bus with my fingertips.  I finally got my first one at 45 to celebrate 5 years cancer-free.  Have been adding to the collection regularly ever since.  I would love a full sleeve.  But just one.

16.  I kissed Muhammed Ali.  He was/is/always will be The Greatest.

17.  I had a photo chosen to be one of National Geographic's Your Shot Daily Dozen.  Close enough for me.  Crossing being a NG photographer off the list.  

18.  Despite a lot of crap in my life, I have maintained a sense of innocence and joy.  Go Figure.  I have no idea how, but I'm glad that's the case.  

19.  I did not own a TV for 5 years.  I got so much more stuff done then.

20.  I really like who I am.  I am comfy with her in the quiet moments of which there are alot.  I couldn't imagine better company.  But I will always look.  

Hmmmmmm.  YUP!  That's it.  

FIN