Not Quite a Match

I have been a subscriber of match.com on and off for over four years.  Yeah - I know.  But in the modern age with a full life, a career, friends, family, etc.  it's almost impossible to bump into someone you can relationship with. I tried that for 15 years and came up with bupkiss.  I blame two of my older brothers who were using match and being successful for my fall from grace.

It makes a certain amount of sense and the nerd girl likes things that are logical.  You plug your likes and dislikes into a computer and it compares and contrasts (see there IS a use for those essay questions after all) and out pops potential date material.  I have several things that narrow the pool of potential candidates v a garden variety woman.  I am curvy round in a society that says only stick thin is good.  I am smart in a society that says silly stoopid is better.  I am deeply committed to an alternative spiritual path when the Chicken Littles insist on mainstream or nothing at all, intellectual men seeming to choose the latter.  I know who I am, I know what I am looking for, I know the things that I can't tolerate in a relationship (full list provided on request).  And I expect the dudes I date to know as much about themselves.

And therein lies the rub.  I am starting to realize (cut me some slack, I am a little slow on the uptake - a socialtard) that most people don't have a flying fuck of an idea of who they are much less what they really want in a partner.  And the blame for unsuccessful relationship ALWAYS lies outside themselves.  Really??  To me there is no such thing as an unsuccessful relationship.  There are those that don't work for any number of reasons, but they are not failures.  Not even close.  They simply are.  One thing I have learned is that any success requires that I just be me and not who I think they want me to be.  (Yes - I did do this.  For years).

Anyway, I have tried to learn from each dating experience (match or otherwise), each person with whom I shared a bit of email space or time.  So that you may benefit from my missteps or maybe just have a good laugh.

Lee - absolute crazy mother fucker.  Right out of the box.  Stalker of the first water.  STILL stalks me almost FIVE YEARS LATER.  Found me on FB recently and emailed me how I broke his heart (we never met??) and how he is happily married now.  Really then why are you stalking me on FB I wonder?  Lee taught me to have a care in the cyber-dating world because there were some mentally ill people out there looking too.

Mishawaka man (how sad - I can't even remember his name).  Oh wait - Doug!  His name was Doug.  Great emails.  Funny, sweet.  I owe him the whole idea of vanilla sex.  Never met.  Because he decided that I would never relocate and be happy.  News to me.  Funny how often thing get decided about how I feel or think, things I will do or won't do, without ever consulting me.

Home-slice (yeah he will always be the Homeslice.  Thanks for that Sherry).  Homer broke my heart into little tiny pieces.  I learned that sometimes people are incapable of saying their truth and that they will behave in such a way as to force your hand to do what they could not - walk away.  But I discovered that there is a whole other level to a relationship that transcends the physical/emotional/mental.  I want that.  And I discovered I could take the big hit and stand back up.  Admittedly it took a few tequilas or ten or twelve.  But, I didn't know that about myself before then.  And I think in some ways I was so afraid of having my heart broken that it kept me from even trying.  Without the H-slice, I would never know that.  I am grateful to him for that lesson.  I care about him still, but in a more or less generic humanitarian kinda way.

Terry - Mr 5 minute man.  Responsible for the creation and implementaion of dating rule #5 and it's corollary principle.

James the I,  aka James the Disappearing - great email for three weeks.  Funny, smart, wise ass, adorable.  Just the way I like em.  Then POOF!

Homer go round #2.  A lot of people thought I was a capital M moron for swimming in that pool again.  But, I regained so much of myself in doing it that I consider it a success.  Screw what y'all think.  Phllltttt.  Same ending as round 1 but this time I was prepared for it.  So HA!

Frank - Ah Frank.....the opener of Pandora's box of sex.....the Magicman.  I learned more than magic from dating him.  LOTS more.  Unfortunately we were absolutely incompatible in any way other than physically.  Hmmmmm....that suggest that that piece is probably the easiest to acquire - physical compatibility.  That anyone can become a good lover if they are willing to talk about it.  Yes - he taught me how to talk abut sex.  How to claim what I wanted.  How to show someone that.  How to bring a man to his knees with just my words.  In the end we were just too different in every way outside of bed and we had to end it.  DAMMIT!  LOL.  But Frank had one more trick up his sleeve.  Frank is my model for how to conduct a good break up.

Jeff - YIKES!  What was I thinking.  This dude PROPOSED on our first date (strike one).  Course he was drunk off his ass (strike 2).  That should have told me a lot right there.  Many weeks of dating later, I realize that Jeff wasn't interested in me, he was interested in having a wife.  A wife that would fit into his life.  Anyone could fit that mold - except me.  He never asked me a single question about what I thought or felt about anything.  Surprising how few of them ever do - ask about me that is.  But they will go on at length about themselves as if they are the most interesting subject to the entire world.  So I got to use my new found 'Breaking Up' Skill Set to end it.

Chris ended up in rehab before we ever dated - Thank G for small favors there.  And man was he a talker - WHEW!  I needed a nap after skyping him.

Ken who was very charming - but a complete liar.  Came on a little too strong and I ditched him as kindly as I could as quickly as I could.

Re-enter James the Disappearing Man for Pt II.  Yup.  Did I mention that I am a socialtard?  Yup.  This one kinda smarts a lot because James is almost exactly the kind of dude I imagine myself with in every way.  Six months of email.  Some of THE most memorable dates I have ever had.  Then POOF!  Again.    If I didn't know better I might think the Magicman made him disappear his absence is that complete.

So, now it's just me again......and my computer.....and match.com.  But honestly I'm kinda tired of the BS and the crap ass behavior.  So intending a good one to be next or at least someone who is bodacious amounts of fun.  Or both.  ORDER UP!