Friday, May 13, 2011

A Pair of Daddy's Girls

One of the things my mom and I disagree about is our spiritual paths.  Hers is traditional, the religion of my childhood - Roman Catholic.  Mine are more based in indigenous practices.  Having been raised in her religion, I do understand it.  I respect its beauty.  Its ritual and its deep mystic traditions.  But there are just too many blasted rules.  No place for women.  And I am not encouraged to talk to god directly even though god and I regularly conversed through most of my childhood.

We fought about that a lot during the four years I lived with her.  We fought about other things too.  Mostly we just fought.  We are good at that.  Put us in a small space and we will go there eventually.  I wish it had been different, but my mom hates women, hates herself.  That makes her toxic to be around for any woman who loves herself - especially this woman who was just learning to do that.

I now live about a half mile away.  Amazing what a difference that space makes.  Anyway....I was mowing her grass yesterday when my dad stopped by to say hello (for those people who don't know my dad has been dead for over 25 years).  I always find him hanging around there watching over my mom.  Continuing to do what he has always done which is to love her.  Just much more perfectly than ever he did while he was here.  We had a quick confab about some things and then he was off.

I mowed a few more passes when someone else came in - my mom's dad.  My grampa.  Just suddenly he was there.  Kissed me on the cheek and said tell your mom I love her and miss her.  Then he was gone.  I finished mowing and put the mower away.  Wondering the whole time how to say that to her so she would hear it and not just start an argument.  In the end, I trusted it enough to just say it while we sipped tea.  "By the way.  Grampa said hi.  That he misses you and loves you."  She got sad which wasn't his intention at all.

I have tried to get her to talk to him directly knowing he would be right there if she wanted it.  But she can't let go of her own beliefs enough to let him in.  Ironically though today I saw that she believes that I can which is a huge shift for her.  So, I hope that someday soon she will believe that for herself too.

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