My Perfect Streak

July 9, 1982. I was exactly 21 years old when I did this the last time. For the next 28 years, 1 month, 14 days I held a perfect unbroken streak.

'What is it?' you ask. On that date, I broke up with my then boyfriend Mike and dramatically tossed the roses he sent me in the trash (little did I know these would be the ONLY flowers I would receive from a man or I might have kept those). Looking back all I can think is What a Drama Queen! That would be the last time I had to figure out how to disentangle myself from a relationship - until yesterday.

That is not to say that there haven't been other relationships and other break ups since then, just that I have not been the instigator of them. Most were mutually arrived at. Some of these were kinda sad - like both of us really wanted for it to work, but it just didn't, for some mysterious reason neither of us understood. And having been lovers, we knew we couldn't go back to just being friends. That sucked because I lost a lover and a good friend in one go. Some were arrived at with just a sigh. A few were hard blindsides - the likes of which I never hope to experience ever again. You know the kind. You are happily, nay blissfully, skipping along in the sun dropping daisies behind you when BAM it's over and you never saw it coming. The ones that knock you into next week, or next month, or next year and when you come to you really don't remember the intervening time. One absolute betrayal that I STILL don't understand. You break up with someone, you do NOT humiliate and betray them to force their hand because you are too weak to walk away. All in all, probably not that different from any other woman my age who has been single her whole life. You date long enough and you pretty much experience it all. And I do mean ALL.

After quite a few of these (I won't try to figure out how many because that would be scary - or depressing - or BOTH). Let's just agree that I have done this dance - ALOT. I know the steps and generally can bounce back easily because I have lots of experience. But how do you do the other? How do you lead the dance? What words do you say to gently iterate I want out? That was a mystery. My break up with Mike 28 years earlier had been messy and compassionless. I definitely wasn't gonna do a repeat of that one. I had learned alot about how to conduct a break-up since then. I would bring all those considerable resources to bear and try to accomplish it with compassion and grace.

I stewed and thought about it all week-end. Even went so far as to imagine a scenario where I continued to date him for a few more months just to avoid the whole fucking mess. That felt like such a lie. I knew I couldn't do that. And I knew from my experiences that the longer it went on, the more painful it would be when it came. Quick. Brief. Now. I rehearsed a few steps so that I wouldn't falter. Wouldn't blurt out something that was hurtful. I remembered some break-ups that had been really good ones. Well, maybe not good, but ones that answered my questions and let me say what I needed to before parting. Yes, I definitely wanted to do that. So I phoned him and told him that it wasn't working for me. That he was a great guy and I hoped him the woman who would love him in ways that I would not be able. I don't know what I expected really. Anger? Hurt? In the very least a few questions about why. He was jovial and even-tempered just as he always was. Maybe that was a front? I just don't know. But I found his response irritating. Even in this last moment it didn't feel real to me. He didn't feel real to me.

It isn't that I wanted him to hurt, but I wanted to see a real response just once. Whatever that was. Something honest and genuine. I didn't get it. I don't know why that surprises me. When do things ever turn out the way we expect them to? After I hung up, that's when the second guessing started. I knew it would. I was prepared for it though. It didn't stand a chance. At least THAT particular part is not different depending on which side of the phone you are on.

Sigh.......at least it's over.


Re: Cartoon. I feel the same way. And if ZF had given me this, I would have instantly forgiven him because he made me laugh at the same time he was breaking up with me. That experience I have NOT had.