I write shit on my bathroom mirror with a china pencil. Sometimes it's inspirational. Sometimes it's funny like the Groucho mustache and glasses that superimposed my face for a couple weeks. Sometimes it's more of a grocery list of things I need to do like Pay Pete, Return library books, Dr's Appt. A couple days ago I wiped off the directives to LAUGH!! and to Celebrate every day! They just felt a little stale having been up there since before the evil Santa holiday I hate. I made it thru another winter it seems without killing anyone or losing my mind, without drinking myself into a near comatose state of hibernation, without popping any pills - unless you count the herbal supplements. Those things were up there to remind me to find the funny aspect of whatever troubled me and to imagine each day as my last.

Despite the 2 feet of snow that covers my entire world, I feel spring coming. A faint pulse under my feet that makes me restless, ready to explode outward, to germinate, to GO!. I am ready for everything in my world to bolt into a riotous green - at first so delicate that it makes my eyes weep after months of monochromatic greys and whites. That sense of needing to GO however, is reigned in by a thousand questions. Questions I don't have the time or energy to answer. Questions that wont go away.

I have no sense of which way to go and a lousy internal GPS unit (I think it's busted. Can I return it??). How can I GO when I dont know which way to face? Have I planted enough seeds to feed me thru the long summer months? Did I plant any at all or was I so preoccupied with the gloom that I forgot? I forget? What if I planted all watermelon and I am hungry for corn? What if I go somewhere and I HATE it....like asparagus hate it? Can I still come back and sit quietly and tend the seeds? Do I just trust them to get where they need to go too- just like me??

to be continued.....