The Appointment

Funny. I just called to make an appt with UC OBGYN for my annual pap and mammogram - yet another new OB. Perhaps # 15 including nurse midwives. Everyone of them retiring after 2-5 years. At this rate I will retire the whole Cinti population of OB's before I die. So if you know an OB who's lookin to retire but cant figure out how, I'm their patient (but that is another story and I digress). Laughing and joking with the receptionist doing the scheduling. Completely at ease. Only a couple hours later did that moment sink in for me. How very much has changed.

That appointment date in early January every year used to scare the shit outta me. Sometimes for months in advance. In late 2001 I was diagnosed with uterine cancer and had a total hysterectomy in January 2002. I was 40 when that mother part of my life came to an abrupt end and the crone part began. January for the next 5 years held the dreaded appt with the gyno-oncologist. And every year I would stare at that pink-boxed in date on my calendar with weak knees and queasy stomach. What would he find this year? What part of me would he want to rip out next? Would this be the year that he looked at me with his sad face and said those words again? You have cancer.

Those 5 years contained so much turmoil for me as every January I came face to face with my own mortality. Every year I went a little nuts (grateful to my fam and friends who held me up) and every year I steeled myself to hear him pass a death sentence on me. I thought every January would be like that for the rest of my life. But here we are 9 years out and I just made my January appt and laughed while I did it. I didn't remember to be frightened or that my knees should knock together in anticipation of bad news. Seems I really did survive having cancer. I am lucky that way.

But I did more than survive cancer. I learned from it. Cancer has been the best teacher I have ever had. Many of the good things in my life now came because of what I learned from Cancer.
I owe it for the 100 pounds I lost over those 5 years in order to get healthier.
I owe it for growing my interest in holistic healing.
I owe it for reconnecting me with God.
I owe it for the writing that saves me on a daily basis.
I owe it for helping me see what really matters in my life and what is just fluff and filler.
I owe it for scraping off the thin layer of grime that was my life before we met and making me explore deeper and deeper parts of myself.

I can take it from here.

Thanks.