Friday, February 21, 2020

Been a While

It's been a hot mo' since I've put anything down in writing, an even longer mo' since I pushed anything out into the blogosphere...........

Lots of reasons.

Most of them ridiculous.

But...

Back in November I reached the implosion limit for life constriction and finally said I was ready for knee replacement.  I had all my ducks in a row, had the finances in shape, had a new trainee to take care of some of my work, all good to go.  Or so I thought.

The orthopedic surgeon who has been treating me for the past 3 year.  The same person who told me 3 years ago both knees would need replaced.  The same one who told me to wait until "I couldn't stand the pain any more before scheduling surgery."  Yes that one.  Looked me square in the eye and turned off the mechanism that keeps the world spinning when he said -

"Oh, we can't do surgery on you because you weigh too much."

It all went dark and spun apart in fantastic fashion.

Turns out neither the hospital, nor my insurance will cover surgery until I reduce my weight by 100 pounds.  That number felt/feels insurmountable.  The Everest of weight loss.

My hope was gone.
My pain was unbearable.
My life so tiny it felt it might disappear at any moment.

And I was OK with that thought.
Of not being here anymore.

I took a break from life.  Stopped focusing on anything outside myself.  Anything that felt it drained even one joule of energy from me.  Just focused on practicing hygge - a Danish word for coziness. I didn't think about weight, or food, or writing, or family, or science, or the darkness of winter, or the holidays, or much of anything really.  It felt good.

To take my mind off the pain I started making socks again.  The pile is getting so large I had to start giving them away.

In January, I was finally allowed my thoughts to move in problem solving mode.  And I concluded that the task was beyond one person.  I asked my therapist of 3 years to help.  And I scheduled an appointment with the local medical weight loss doc.

And it has been mostly easy (or as easy as this can ever be).  I am down about 35 pounds since that shittastic day in November when the lights went out.

And I am quite content with that.

 I have written a lot about my belly - series of poems dedicated to it. I happen to like my belly. Always have Oh, I know it's not what ...