I have been thinking a lot about words and the power they convey. This is hardly a novel thought.
The word abracadabra is derived from an old Aramaic phrase, avra kehdabra, that translates to I create what I speak. (You may all now be excused from learning anything else today - unless of course you would like that). Seems people been thinking about this a looooong time.
Sometimes, I am reminded, like to day, to look at what I speak objectively and see what I am creating. Mostly what I'm speaking about right now is ugly, limiting and making me unhappy. My outer world definitely reflecting that, making me feel at odds with the entire world, misunderstood and taken for granted. It's not my best moment. But I recognize some of the things I can tinker with to improve how I feel.
I catch myself engaging in full head dialogues about how much I miss my life, how as my mom has needed additional help, more and more of my life has slid away. Describing in gory detail my sadness and cataloging every disappeared friend or empty engagement for future head arguments. (This is required so that if subsequent head arguments break out, I will have the facts to win said argument). Subtly blaming her for every encroachment. There is deep grieving for what was. Nothing wrong with that. But at some point, it seems excessive and time to change it up. I have been looking right over my mom, looking for those bits to still be circling waiting to come home. They are gone. Not coming back, most of them. There are a few things that linger because they were so well nurtured.
So this week I am going to to try to find a place where I accept that this IS my life right now, to enjoy the moments that present themselves as fully as possible and to stop mourning what I no longer have at the expense of what I do have. I have walked this line before. I know I can do it. All I need to do is be a little more on top of my words. And then........abracadabra...........better days as if by magic.
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