Wednesday, August 17, 2016

FW 8.17.16

One of the comments I hear a lot in Alzheimer's world is something akin to "and just for a moment I got her/him back."  I get it.  I've said it.  Part of me will always yearn for the person I used to know, yearn for how things used to be.

But that is such a deadly way to think.  I just can't stay there.  I accept the thought when it comes.  "Oh.  Mom would have loved that."  "Wow.  Today she is much more herself."  Then I just let it go.  She might echo some part of the person I knew from time to time, enough to make me melancholy.  But that person is gone, locked so tightly inside her own mind I may never see her again.  Will likely never see her again.  And that's OK.  I am OK with it.

I look at my sibs who, eight years into the journey, still stamp their feet like spoiled children and insist that she be the person that they knew, that she always and forever be that woman.  I say that truthfully as a former foot-stamper of Olympic proportion.  Sigh....I'm glad I left that behind.  It hurt.  Oh man, did it hurt.  But it needed done.

And after I let go the image of my strong independent mama, I had room for the huggy-kissy-squeezy mama she is now.  Some days I prefer her this way.  Relationship is simpler, more truthful and taps the core of us as humans without our various crutches and filters.  And after I have had this kind or relationship, I wonder if I will ever be content with one not based in acceptance, not based in truth, not based in love.

Yeah.  Asked and answered in one

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