Being George Bailey

I am a huge fan of It's a Wonderful Life, in fact, I consider it the perfect movie.  I love everything about Capra's vision.  It plays on near continuous loop during the holidays.

So why am I mentioning it June 1?  Because today, I truly feel it.  That sense of seeing the blessings that exist amidst what looks like the shit.

I am losing my job again.  My mom is in a facility because of her AD.  I am single with no lover or even a whisper of a date.  Yet I am still scrumptiously happy.  Happier than I have been in months.  Happier than anyone has a right to be.

The magic for me is to stop listening to other people jabber on about how hard life is, how much it sucks, how they never get a break.  I just don't see it that way.  Oh, I see the hard and sticky parts, sometimes I get jammed up in them.  The frustration level there is crushing.  I will always opt out.  Not as in I will ignore it and hope it goes away, but in I will make the most of what there is.

So, I am losing my job again.  Truth is I didn't much like the one I have anyway.  It has been about collecting a paycheck these past six months.  Wouldn't it be fantastic to fall in love with science again?  What would that be worth?  The answer is that would be pricelesss.

My mom is losing her memory.  I am dancing that dance with her, providing the constant insomuch as I am able.  This year I have learned better balance between what she needs and what I need.  The latter occupying a rightful and larger place.  I am happier and I come to her more able to deal and share that happiness with her.  There are moments of transcendent bliss for us now.  Also giggle fits and much hugging and smooching.  She tells me how much she loves me.  I tell her.  I feel loved, for perhaps the first time in my entire life.  Absolutely and unequivocally loved.  That's a huge shift for us.  I get it.  Finally I understand something that was just words on a page or trite script from a movie.

Outsiders may look in and praise me for my sacrifice.  I wish they wouldn't.  Naming it such diminishes what it is.  Makes me seem more than the person I am.  Turns out I am the richest person in town.  Once I saw that, things bloomed from there.  There is no sacrifice.  Not here.  Not any more.  There is only grace and love.  And a belly laugh or two.