What about #4?

There's been so much twisting through my brain these last few days.  I hardly have time to recognize a delicious thought I want to devour before it slithers on.  They're coming at me pretty rapidly and I feel overwhelmed in my lack of focus.  I guess I hope somewhere that they are registering and will get coughed up later, a cud for me to re-chew.

Yesterday one of my deep friends posted #4, something to the effect of - when you are in your groove and shooting out vibes to attract people on a similar wavelength, you are also repelling those not on your wavelength.  Sometimes that can make people feel yucky and lash out.  Cutting ties is the best way out.  Sometimes we get the clean surgical cut.  Sometimes we have to saw at it with a busted pop bottle until it finally frays and snaps.

Recently, this has come up with my family more and more.  My mom has Alzheimer's.  I try to make choices based on what's best for her and not what's easiest for me.  Certainly NOT what's easiest for someone else.  Or prettiest.  Or least emotional.  I make every decision based in love and love is a beautiful messy emotion.  If I can't handle what needs done, I have the equivalent of the Avengers superheroes to back me up.  These people are here for the same reason, operate in much the same way and we trust each other's judgment implicitly.  Outsiders may never understand why things are this way.  They don't have to.  Only I have to deal with the person who lays their head on my pillow at night and reviews the parts of the day that were done well on and those that could use improvement.

I have a SIL who's a crazy, extroverted, bully and isn't afraid to shove you repeatedly into her one-size-fits-all mold no matter how much of you she has to slice off to get you in there.  Usually verbal angry slicing, the kind that leaves scars.  For years, I have let my introverted self be herded by her, but something has changed and I can't stand that anymore.  My usual laidback nature gets all FUCKYOU in her presence.  I let it be that way for a while, but that FUCKYOU energy is a hard one to hold onto without being consumed.  I am trying to let it go.  I no longer feel connected to her or her family.  And I like it this way.  I'm happier for it.

The irony is that the more I let go, the harder she tries to shove me back into her OSFA mold.  She can't seem to see how she's destroying things.  She doesn't recognize that her goal is destined for failure.  It can be annoying, but it's no longer scarring.  I hold on to me, to who I am and I feel good.  She drifts further and further away.  And that's OK.