Waiting for Drugs to Warm

A 10 minute fastwrite while I wait for my mouse drugs to warm......

I have been feeling off for a while now, ubersensitive to the slightest touch, or sound.  Breaking into tears at the slightest show of kindness or care.  I have lived alone the majority of my life now.  I love easily and am loved by my close friends.  I know that.  I am kind to strangers unless they are asshats.  No.  That's a lie.  I'm kind even then and will write a story in my head about why this person behaved that way that exonerates them. 

As I was falling asleep the other night I was thinking about how many successful relationships I have built, how amazing they are, a few that tanked horribly, always circling back to the fact that my life lacks that one significant relationship.  My science brain checking all the variables and trying to identify why this is so.  It has been offered, but never by the right person.  Usually as a last ditch effort to keep the relationship together.  My science brain always coming back to the place of personal appearance.  I did something then I almost never do and get pissed at science brain,pointed my finger and made it get out.  I do not believe that is the hurdle.  I believe there is someone(s) out there just waiting, like me, to plug our lives in together.  And rather than settle for something less, I have chosen to wait.  I don't see that as fucked up, I see it as brave. 

Most of the time I don't mind my solo life, in fact, I prefer it to the eternal compromise that is a relationship.  But times like this where the world scrubs at my skin in every waking moment, I wish there was a shoulder where I could rest my head for amoment, a ready ear that really listens, a person with whom silence is as important as life.  I wish there was someone to brush my hair, help me into my penguin pants and tell me everything will be OK....with my mom, with my job, with my aging body that sometimes scares me.

I cannot even begin to imagine someone who sings my life to a higher place just with their daily love and support.  I used to tell my then friend Brent that I have a hard time imagining something I have never experienced - especially an emotional something.  This is one of those pieces.  Having never had this kind of support ever it's hard to imagine it into being.  But I know it is out there.  With every cell in my body I know that as truth.  It is only the science brain that doubts and questions.  But that is waht science brain does best and I love it for that.