February 16

There's been so much going on these past few weeks
     - troubleshooting failed experiments
     - the daily saga of the car with my mom
     - pain in my legs, knees, ankles and lower back that make walking painful

Mostly I have been keeping my cool.  I'm sure my family and co-workers might tell you otherwise and they might be right.  But I can feel how thinned out I am right now.  A stiff spring wind would make me cry, or rage.

Yesterday, the universe added one more item to my list.  The absolute douche who contracted me to write a book with him, who has the book but failed to pay for it, is now publishing short excerpts to his blog as if he wrote them.  When it was brought to my attention, I dropped an all-time record number of F-bombs intermingled with stellar new swear word combos.  Pretty sure there's a special circle in Dante's hell for fuckwads like him.  Fuckwads who pirate the work of someone else and name it theirs. Fuckwads who break the tender unfurling fronds of new trust.

So, that pretty much sums it up.  Overworked - check.  Emotional whirlwind - check.  Physical hell- double check.  Overwhelming WTF - check.

This morning as I rolled over to get up, the peeps kinda asked (read demanded) that I lay back down and have a convo with them.  What happens next is among the most stellar of experiences I have had and there have been many of these.  It starts really small, like Who's chanting - We are here.  We are here.  We are here.  It stays soft almost inaudible.  I strain to get it.  But it's like pushing through industrial plastic.  It's blurry and muffled.  I want to see and want to hear what they are saying, but can't.

I know that the barrier is me.  In order to deal with all the turmoil around me and not kick puppies and slap everyone who comes across my path, I have the heavy armor on - the diamond plate.  The one that basically removes me from the world in all ways except in body.  With it I can be hard and unfeeling in ways no Cancer girl could ever be.  With it I can survive the nuclear winter that is my life right now.  But without that connection to the heart of me, I might as well be dead.

And that's kinda how I've been feeling these past few weeks.  D.E.A.D.  Dead.  Just a little blue gheist floating in a void.

I try to let them in.  I want to hear them.  I want to see them.  I want most of all to feel them.

But it isn't easy to tear down this construction.  All the time leaning into it still hoping that I can get what I need from them without having to do that.  In the end though, it all comes down.  That's when I hear why they are chanting with increasing volume.

 We love you.  We love you.  We love you.

There is a spear of light that pierces me through accompanied by the usual sensation of being filled with energy.  For a moment everything around me is eclipsed by the light and the chanting.  When it is over there are hugs all around.

I feel better.

Not one of those parts of my life has changed.  But I feel more equipped to deal with what comes.