Everybody probably defines that differently, structures it to their own liking. For me family is not so much the big Thanksgiving hoohah or the perfect Christmas gift. In fact, it's nothing like that. Family for me is quiet most of the time, behind the scenes. It's selfless, but not in that self destructive way. It's calling my brother Phil when I need some help and knowing he will be there. I think that's it in a nutshell. Family for me is knowing they will be there.
As my mom has gotten deeper into her Alzheimer's this concept stands out in stark relief in my life. Part of my family is pissed off by my choice recently to limit my mom's participation in their big events (this is intimately tied to how they see family - pretty packages wrapped in foil). The thing is that most of the time at these shindigs, my mom sits on the couch or in a chair and none of them even talk to her. I have explained to them that mom doesn't do well with some things anymore - lots of commotion, noise, children, people or less familiar places. But they just don't listen. All they see is the pretty wrapping sliding off their big family and somehow that's all my fault. They insist that she go and I relent sometimes even though I know what it will cost her to sit on that couch and be ignored all evening.
It will cost her 3-5 really bad days where nothing makes sense. It will entail hundreds of phone calls to me and Phil (this is not an exageration). It will require days of hand holding and care taking to get her back to where she was before the party. I explained this too. But, since this family does none of the caretaking, they don't care if it inconveniences me or Phil or if Mom struggles against the bad days that happen after to the point of tears over and over and over again. It only matters that their picture of family stays unchanged. It is the most selfish thing I can imagine. It is not about what's best for Mom, it's about getting what they want.
This part of my family has long sheperded the holiday celebrations and most of us went along with it because we are a laid back crew. The thing that I am only now realizing is that being forced into someone else's version of family year after year is not good for you. So, when there was a break a year and a half ago over Thanksgiving in which my sister-in-law lost her ever fucking mind and blamed me for pretty much everything in history (sorry conspiracy theorists I'm sure that I was responsible for the Kennedy assassination) I was not too unhappy to go my own way.
Like I said my version of family is small and intimate, like my friendships. It involves food and travel and story-telling. But mostly it involves what's inside. Their version of family is loud, flamboyant, populous and all surface. Partaking in that over the years has been difficult because our visions are as similar as pool water is to the ocean. Both wet and that's about where any similarity ends.
The drama recently has just made me re-evaluate what I need from family and where I find that. I do not find it there with them and I never have and I am chosing to go a different way without allowing their name calling and trash talk to make me feel other than blissed out by this decision.
No comments:
Post a Comment