I go my hair cut today. About an acre and a half lopped off the bottom that needed to go and the Rogue stripe brought closer and closer to where I envisioned it when I first saw Anna Paquin rock it in X-men.
I know many people will hate it on sight.
I know most people won't understand it.
I know some people will compare me to my friend Patricia who also sports a stripe on her pale red locks. There are worse people I could emulate, but she hasn't anything to do with it really.
I don't care how you feel about it, whether you like/hate it, whether you understand or if you think I look like the Big Fig Newton himself. I just don't care.
It makes me radiantly happy. It made me laugh with joy when she was done today.
I am talking to my friend Karla as she cuts and dabbles on the canvas that is my head, when I realize that there has been something monumental and rather important that happened to me that allowed me to make this change. My childhood was spent learning to hide, hide my intelligence, hide my feelings, hide pretty much everything that made me who I am at my core. As an abused child I learned to physically hide my body, to occupy the smallest space possible in order to escape notice. When my weight began to soar as the result of an undiagnosed metabolic issue, all those thoughts and ideas were reinforced. I saw only judgment in eyes wherever I looked. So I stopped looking.
A lifetime of learning later I don't feel that way any longer. I genuinely like who I am. I no longer need approval. Other people's judgment based on looks, well that's on them. I am who I am. And who I am today is someone who is not afraid to be seen, not afraid to look different, not afraid to BE different. In fact, those are some of my favorite things about myself. My hair is simply another outward manifestation of that inner change. It marks another milestone in my recovery toward whole human being.
Looking good! : >
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