Scarification

i used to be a mean and angry woman
i set out to let that go
to just be me without the anger
without the fear that was
the mother to the anger

i had no idea how far that would take me

took a while
but then it became easier
second nature to smile
to see humanity as beauty
and not threat

it felt like waking up

i let the world see my true face
see my scars
what people thought about that
was not at all what i imagined
was not what i feared

i saw celebration in those scars

fear creeps back into my life now
blanketing my heart.
i didn't notice at first
it did this very quietly
and i was looking the other way.

i was too busy being busy

fear constricts my heart
makes it difficult to breathe free
makes me less than who I am
and all that makes me angry.

you wouldn't like me when I'm angry

today I finally noticed the interloper
it isn't something someone is doing to me.
it is something I am allowing to happen.
allowing through neglect or boredom
through stupidity or genius - they are often the same

today I begin again