Last week one of my colleagues at work was talking about an AMA article he received via email that polled women about violence in their personal life. He fussed over this all day seemingly needing to discount the statistics that said 1 in 5 women will experience violence in the form of abuse or stalking in her lifetime.
I tried to convince him, without 'outing' myself as one of those women, as to the validity of those numbers. Tried to explain that these experiences are mostly held in silence or shared only with other women, by which I meant mostly other survivors but rarely with a man. Still he held disbelief. I am as intrigued by his need to discount the study as I am by my own certainty that those numbers are correct.
I do know they are correct because I AM one of those women. I am a survivor of both childhood sexual abuse and of date rape - although there was no such name for the latter when it happened. Silent for over 30 years about this very thing. I believe they ARE correct (although in the AMA case study their data collection method and term definitions were biased). Every time I have ever spoken about these experiences, there is ALWAYS a woman who comes up to me, thanks me for my story, and proceeds to share with me her own untold story of abuse.
I wanted to tell him the truth, but I held back. Why? To not feel shame? To not be judged? To not be looked at in pity? To protect the veneer of who I am in this fairly new job? Lame excuses. Here was an opportunity to educate a young doctor about something that has never touched his life - at least not as far as he knows.
I am not ashamed. I am who I am. Those experiences have made me better, but I would not wish them on anyone. I am, however, feeling squirmy about my silence. Wasn't silence the very thing that allowed this to continue? Isn't it the thing that allows people to discount those stats as inflated? To believe that this doesn't happen to women they know?
Just follow your instincts and don't beat yourself up for being silent. You have no obligation to reveal yourself to people whom you do not trust. Maybe someday you will trust him enough to tell him. But you must honor your need to be silent at times. Trust your wisdom. You are very courageous indeed. Love ya!
ReplyDeleteWhen as a child some abuse happens and you attempt to tell those adults you trust... and they don't believe you - silence means survival. It doesn't matter what truth is not believed. There will always be someone who is unwilling to lend and ear or open an eye. Continue to be brave and do not feel guilty!
ReplyDeleteI was interested in the NY Times article over the weekend about how many, many men now are taking testosterone prescribed by their doctors. A real connection between those true statistics from real women and this culture that wants to prove its manhood by treating women as objects.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you trusted your intuition in not responding to the querent who was so resistant. He didn't want to hear, and likely wouldn't have heard, no matter what you revealed. xoxox
I'm with Kathleen and Patricia, whatever kept you silent was to be trusted. For whatever reason, you felt it best not to tell him, and that makes it the right thing for you.
ReplyDeleteFrankly, if he's not "believing" those numbers, something in him is closed to this information anyway.
You are a testament to strength and honor in my mind and should not feel that your silence is contributing to any perpetuation of this horror. His time will come, his youth and inexperience blind him and eventually he will see. Personally the figure seems it might be low.
ReplyDeleteI too am THAT woman. I agree that you shouldn't beat yourself up for remaining silent. Silence is not wrong when you aren't sure of whom you're confiding in. We survivors don't always trust easily and it's vital that we trust those with whom we share our innermost secrets.
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