Normal Horizon

OK, I have been thinking about this subject for a while now, trying to wrap my brain around how best to write it down.  Miserable failure that.  So, hoping that if I just start that the words will self-organize into brilliance the way they do sometimes.  If not, well then it will be to the reader to take what they want and walk away.

For the last couple weeks, I have been enjoying a specific clarity in my spiritual life.  Oh how I wish it would ooze toward other parts of my life as well.  But for now, I am quite content all 'round.  The last year has seen a lot of behaviour that I think of as 'spinning' - something akin to getting on a human size hamster wheel and running til my heart threatens to burst, hoping that when I get off the world will be different, in particular more sensical.  In the disappointment that invariably ensues from this practice, things get disconnected and dark.  Most of the spinning has been in the relationship arena.  A certain almost desperate need to be coupled up with someone, anyone.  Think 16 year old girl and you would be kinda close.  I haven't stopped spinning long enough to wonder why I feel that way, or why I feel that way now, or what underlies that.  I just kept leaping onto the wheel and hoping the outcome would be different.  Sadly at the end of a nearly 2 year experiment I can say that the answer to that is a big NO!

I have been trying to step away from whatever that is that drives that behaviour.  Gently disengaging from the parts of the world that look at me sadly when they find out there is no other - only me.  Oh, I still feel it.  With very little provocation I could be over there on match cutting the next one from the herd.  But I don't really want to do that.  And the motivation to do that is not based in much other than that feeling of desperation that I don't understand very well.  I have been trying to ask myself the hard questions like whether I want a relationship at all or if I am just chasing something I have been told I should want and should have (Yeah - because those things so frequently turn out to be what I want - bwahahaha).

My life is so far from 'normal' at this point that it isn't even a dot on the horizon in my rear view anymore.  I don't know why the relationship part would be.  All I know is that it's time to stop thinking about that and take care of me.  I like her well enough.  Bonus:  she's vunderbar to hang out with.