Tar Baby Thoughts

WARNING:  If you don't like self-pity and whining then please move along to another blog post. 


Is that big enough?  Yeah, I think it is.  Consider yourself disclaimed.

Today is Friday, a day when most people are elated at the end of their work day.  Not me.  I have been lingering at work even after I was done.  WTF?!!  Right??

This week has found me in tears at the time I leave.  Shades of working in my former lab toward the end.  Then, I chalked it up to the stress of my impending departure from the only job I have ever had as an adult.  So, I have been kinda surprised to have it crop back up this week out of the blue.  Maybe it's the heat.  Maybe it's another dude back burner-ing me.  Sigh.  Maybe it's something else.

Today was the WORST for it.  BAW-LING the entire way home.

Really?  But Mary you seem so put together.

Yes.  I do.  Most of the time.  But just like most people, that can change on a dime.  I turn around and get caught up in a moment like today.  Moaning about my solo life - AGAIN.  I am so fucking tired of living alone, I could just spit.  I don't want a pet or a roommate or a fish or any other fucking thing.  I want a partner, a man, someone who loves me, who looks forward to coming home to me at the end of the week as much as I do him.  Someone I can have real dinner with and not just a handful of peanut butter filled pretzels (Yes, I am.  What's it to you?)  I am more than ready for this miracle to happen.  So far just a lot of empty air and circus clowns.

More whining ensues.  Then beating myself up for being a complete whiner.  Flailing myself with the cat-o-nine tails of how whining and self pity don't match my world view, about what kinda crap I'm creating when I think like that, about being weak and giving in to the crud, about not being strong every damn minute of every damn day, about being such a loser that no man can stand to spend time with me (OUCH), about how my childhood permanently fucked me up, about the size of my ass, about how men are hopeless turds, about being so smart that it scares people, about my geekazoid likes and dislikes.  (Yes, I know that's 10, but my cat-o-nine tails is that of an overachiever)  Mostly, kinda dreading coming home to an empty apartment even as I imagine all my friends going home to spouses, kids, pets that love them.  That vision serving to take me over the top into OHMYGAWDMYLIFESUCKSLAND.  That thought is so sticky to me like Brer Rabbit's tar baby.  Yes I know that's construed as a racist story, but get over it.  It's a fucking story!!!!

Where was I?.........Oh yeah, how that sticky thought traps me sure as the tar baby sticks to Brer Rabbit.  The more I fight with it, the worse it gets.

My solution???

I don't have one.  Am sitting here at my computer dripping tar on the keyboard while I munch peanut butter filled pretzels in lieu of dinner.