Yunno how you have these dreams growing up about how your life will be. Then life happens and you're forced to set some of those aside and close the door on those for what you think is ever. I did that 10 years ago when I came to grips with my inability to have kids. Just kinda threw all those dreams in the closet higgledy-piggledy. Slammed and locked that fucker up tight. Then ran away as fast as I could crying the whole way.
In those 10 years I have made my peace with that closet. I pretty much leave it alone. And it agreed to leave me alone. I stopped dating men with young kids and focused my attention on those without or with grown kids so I would never have to open it again. We both seemed very content with that agreement - the closet and I. I started to build a life of all adult-ness and got my kid fix from my pack of nieces and nephews as needed.
And now that closet has been opened again. I find myself chatting with a most amazing man - the kind I could easily see falling ass over teakettle in love with, and one with three seemingly equally amazing kids that I could just as easily fall ass over teakettle in love with too - because I always do. Kids are just like crack for me.
So I find myself standing here trembling in my shoes.....equal parts wanting this with all my heart and wanting to run like hell away before it has a chance to hurt. Because closets are just cruel that way.
Just a thought - and please don't yell at me for saying it, but you can adopt a child whether you hook up with this guy or not. I know two women who did this alone later in life and never looked back. Maybe you were meant (by whatever powers you believe in or don't) to be a mom to a child that lost hers. That is in the realm of possibility and is all your choice if you want to do it.
ReplyDeletei would never yell at you T. It is worth investigating. If for no other reason than to free up the closet space for something cool and Star Wars related.
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