#7 I Remember Stu

This afternoon I went up to Beverly Hills. It's been a long while since I have ventured up there. Always alone it kinda creeped me out. That is a very common response from most people I know. Today I went with my friend Suz who was curious about this place. She has a tender heart under her warrior armor and thought we could cross over any souls we found there. Discarnate spirits are not my thing. But the sense of the land for what has happened on it most definitely is.

After the fire, the rubble was hauled away and the site bulldozed and covered. Nothing remained in that place. Or so we were told. The property remains private, so maybe some of the heebie jeebies come from knowing you aren't really supposed to be up there. While there are some places where the land remembers that one tragic evening - I could hear crying and the rattle of the doors in one location - it also remembers a thousand weddings, graduations, bar mitzvahs and other joyous events. It remembers the laughter of thousands and voices raised in song. Yes, it mourns the sad events of one night, but it celebrates the elegance of thousands of others. The land has found a way to hold the tragedy of 167 lives lost by also remembering the joy.

There was evidence of digging where we went. I was appalled that someone would do that and disturb the land in that way. (It gave me a new understanding of just how Native Americans feel about the excavation of their tribal sites - no matter the age). I imagined looters looking for valuable things. But, I was wrong. Very wrong. Seems what they were after were not trinkets to re-sell to morbid collectors, but bits of things with which to create odd memorials. Hand-lettered signs are now posted locating the various rooms, hallways and exits. Along the way are twisted metal table bases, drainage tubing, rebar, tile, fountain pieces and various other oddments that have been excavated. I will not judge whether this is right - only mention that it did not seem out of place. Mostly there is a sense that what was done, was done quite lovingly. It is not a place that should be visited lightly or with any intention other than love and empathy for those lost and those left behind to mourn.

When Beverly burned a young man working the sound board that night was killed. His name was Stuart Coakley. By day, he was a Chemistry teacher at my high school. Stuart initially made it out of the building, but returned to rescue others. That tragedy tied me to this place. It has not been an easy place to visit these last few years. But I went to honor his gentle spirit. I realized today that Stuart made his crossing instantly and that he is not here. Nor were there any others who linger - save one. I will always remember you Stu.


Yes the photo was taken at Beverly Hills. I could not bring myself to publish any of them save this one. The way the tree is twisted yet survives speaks to me about the will of Life to survive no matter the cost and the way we are all shaped by the events around us.

#6 The Small Things

Sometimes its the smallest things I notice the most. The way a man's hand rides in the small of my back. A perfectly turned phrase of writing. The sound of far-off thunder late in the summer evening. Or the way a tendril curls in a seemingly perfect Fibonacci spiral.

What Comes Next?

The answer is - I don't know. It's certainly been an interesting week friends. Breaking up with Frank and finding out my job of 24+ years is disappearing on back to back days will stand out among memorable weeks probably for the rest of my life.

I refuse to see this as a 'bad' thing. I had a great deal of fun with Frank and really care about him. He was right. It would not have worked. I hope he stays in touch. But, y'all know how that goes. We promise to do that and then just never manage to execute. And my job, as much as I love it, has gotten stale in the last 3 years. Odd how the freshness of it was linked to the funding. Hmmmmm.........

Anyway, I see this as an opportunity to try some different things. Maybe date around, be a little slutty, flirt my ass off. Be occupationally slutty - move from lab to lab. I just don't know.

How it turns out - that I'm not worried about. The peeps have my back and whatever comes will be exactly what it needs to be. Until then I will be patient like a mantis. I would ask for you to throw your intention in with mine on this endeavor. All you need to do is picture me as happy and laughing - at work and at home. Easy peasy. They will take care of how to get me there. They have already started - I can feel the big cogs moving and things gliding into place.

Day #5 Aspenglow

Summer nights seem to last forever and as the sun sets the air itself becomes charged with color. This is my best shot and still it pales by comparison to the real thing

Ending Better

When my relationship with Homer finally ended - or at least when I finally accepted it was over - those two points being pretty far removed from one another, I tanked. No other way to describe it. Just sat in the bottom of the drain and fed that sadness everything I was or ever had been. I kept it alive like a pet for months by re-reading old texts and emails. Looking at his Facebook page. His Vimeo collection. Keeping the pain fresh became part of my daily routine. Yeah - I got that part wrong. Not the breaking up, but the processing of my emotions around that. I hung onto those because they were all I had left of someone I loved. Doing that almost killed everything that had been beautiful in that relationship.

Fast forward a year and a half to the end of the next relationship. Admittedly shorter in duration, but no less powerful in its scope. I could feel that hole inside me where Frank had once rested. I felt an acute emptiness every day when no texts came and when there were no more phone calls. I could go on, but even that little bit of writing threatens to swamp me - so I will leave it to you to fill in the blanks.

I was facing the same cliff. What had I learned? What would I do differently? For one thing I let it go. Accepted it. I felt all the emotions of having someone I care about decide we weren't going to make it and pull the plug (My brain understands that, but my heart is still a little rebellious at the thought). I deliberately deleted every text, every email, every VM so that I could not wallow in that place of the void. There were some lovely emails and texts in there, but they tied me to a world that no longer existed. So out they went. I know that seems harsh, but I know me. Know how I get all maudlin. I want to be able to look back and remember the feeling thru my own filters which will, over time, soften the edges a bit and take out anything that was painful or bad. I will remember the best parts of being with him. And I will of course remember the things that I learned from knowing him.

So I took a long walk down a very big hill and began the process of letting it all go. Gently. Compassionately. Letting the magic go bit by bit until it was gone. Then turned around and climbed up and out (a physical representation of pulling myself up the cliff perhaps). No stopping, I pushed myself to do it all in one go. I want that bright future full of possibilities and wanted to send a very clear message that I am ready for what comes next.

Leaf Boat #4

I took yesterday off from my photo project to process the end of a short but powerful relationship. Hiking at 8PM tonight, looking still for a picture for today, I found this little leaf. You can't see it in this photo, but the leaf held a shallow pool of water. It felt like the place I had been the day before. A little leafy boat weighted down, afloat on a rough dark sea and taking on water.

#3 Hackberry Emperor

Shadowscapes

I finally got my Shadowscapes Tarot Deck. It is everything I thought it would be - and more. My only thought is that I wish the images were bigger bc they are so beautiful. And I do love an oversize deck. It came with the Happy Squirrel card and a Healing card that Stephanie Pui-Mun Law included for me. It is so beautiful, I couldn't help but throw a few cards this morning and give it a test run. They read clear as a bell!!!

So with my job hanging in the balance this week and my romance kinda sputtering, of course I asked about those 2 things.

Re: job.10p, 6w, high priestess. That seems direct and clear as a bell. Money, success, use my intuitive gifts.





Re: relationship
10c, The Lovers, 7c rev, Qs. Also a very clear answer. In all 3 cards are depicted 2 figures wrapped one about the other. Happiness, Love, Time to stop looking for an illusion. The Queen of Swords indicates using my brain along with my heart.

The funny thing is now that I am posting this, I realize I didn't ask about THIS job or THIS romance - only about them generally. Somehow I am a little less stressed about them both now because I know if this isn't the right job or the right man, then those are coming very soon. Thanks Ancestors for such a clear reading.

More info about Stephanie's work or the tarot deck are available on her website shadowscapes.com

Do check it out bc her work is brilliant!

#2 - July 18

I dig little openings like this. Mysterious. Destination unknown. This one is on the mountain bike trail behind Tower Park in Ft. Thomas.

Normally I walk the Landmark Tree Trail in Tower Park by Carmel Manor nursing home. Today I decided to poke around back on the bike trails. These are amazingly well marked and easily traversed with a trail map. I meandered all the way down to Rt 8 on various trails. Remnants of wall and road make me wonder what used to be here. The hike back up the hill - let's just say I got my workout. Interesting how just walking a different trail promotes different thoughts. Curiosity about where it goes. A little bit of fear - as if one could really get lost in Ft. Thomas. I like the idea of being able to get lost in suburbia.

365 Photos

Jim Brandenberg is one of my favorite artists. His photos are like magic to me. After years of working for Nat'l Geo, he took a break and began to focus on re-connecting with his art by opting to shoot only one photo/day. YIKES! If I shot one photo a day I would be very happy with myself, but JB probably found it a challenge. Anyway this year I have decided I will put one photo out here every day. Hoping it will encourage me to take more pix and to evaluate them more critically for composition and lighting.

So here goes July 17, 2010. Ft. Thomas, KY

The Fucked Up Hillbilly Hootenanny In My Head

It's been a rough ride this month kiddies.
Back to work after 2 half weeks.
Excessive family drama
with cameo appearances by
out of town members.
People unable to play nicely together
no matter their blood ties.
Others insisting on shoving
conflicting sides together
like the same poles on two magnets.
The potential job loss looming - yet again.
Old relationship woes.
New relationship woes.
Hating single life.
Yet, wanting tell the entire world
to fuck itself and find a nice cave.
Buggered ankle
which is keeping me stationary
when all I want to do is move.

::Bangs head on desk::

Yes - It's like a full-fledged fucked up
hillbilly hootenanny going on in my head.
Any minute I expect Ned Beatty to show up
with the picker....
Cue theme from Deliverance.

Packer Facts

When Phil and I first started to discuss where we wanted to go for our annual Birthday Letterboxing extravaganza lots of ideas were considered and discarded. My first thought was I wanted to put my hobbit toes in the Atlantic - so Virginia. That got nixed bc of distance. Then I mentioned that there were beaucoup boxes in Asheville, NC. Nixed bc hikes were all too long. Then there was the Winston-Salem discussion, but frankly neither of us seemed all that jazzed about it. So, I pulled the plug due to geography W-S is probably hot in July.

Phil mentioned that he had been thinking about Michigan (thanks to the Pure Michigan commercials), but those thoughts had been thwarted by my weekend in Ann Arbor with Sno'. I readily agreed to Michigan especially if we could hit the UP where I had seen wolves many years ago. Seeing one wolf in the wild would be worth more than a hundred boxes to me. Hearing them howl at night would be bliss. I reminded Phil that the moose sighting that eluded us in Maine might be doable as well. Phil suggested we slide down to Wisconsin so we could add a state to our tally as well. When I pulled up the map I noticed Green Bay was only about an hour from the UP border and we could drive by Lambeau field. Just like that it was decided. Only we traveled directly to GB via In and IL.

Phil has been a GB Packer fan since I can remember. I'm not sure he didn't pop out of the womb painted in green and gold. But it seems I would remember that. The lure of Lambeau - the Frozen Tundra - holds a certain mystique to him. Of course he wanted to go there. Duh! I checked and the Packers offer tours of Lambeau and the Packers Hall of Fame for a modest price. I knew we were gonna do that. What I didn't realize was what it would mean to him, what an important part of our trip it would become, or how much I would love the Packers after learning a bit about them.

Things I learned about the Packers:

The Packers are the smallest franchise in the NFL. Yet every game in Lambeau Field is sold out. The wait list for season tickets - well if you think your grand kids might someday live in GB and want them, you should consider adding your name to the list.

They are one of the 3 oldest teams in the NFL along with the Cardinals and the Bears.

The team is privately owned by share holders who bought shares in 3 IPO sales. The stock cannot be resold except to the Packers, so no profit can be made. There are no dividends to these stocks. There is just the pride of owning a small bit of history. The last stock sale was used to raise the needed money for renovations to Lambeau. How cool is that? And the city of GB has the same 1/2% sales tax as Cincy, but you never hear anyone bellyache about it. In fact they encourage you to spend more money to help their team!

Lambeau Stadium is the only NFL stadium with aluminum bench seats - 18"/butt. Judging by the size of the asses we saw in Wisconsin this seems like it is a tight fit on game day. And don't even think about how cold that aluminum is right there on the shore of Lake Michigan! My southern lovin heiney just puckered at the thought. So on second thought maybe packing people as close as they can helps keep them from freezing to death.

The Packers players use the bikes of kids in the neighborhood to ride from the stadium to practice while the kids skate or rollerblade alongside. This is done to promote a bond between the team and the people of GB. One particularly large lineman who ruined the kid's bike over the course of training, replaced it with a brand new titanium one. (That is one expensive bike!)

The Packers induct retired players into their HoF annually. But they also select one fan every year to induct as well. See they understand that the team is nothing without its fans!

They also retire jersey numbers so far there are 4 - at least until #4 retires then there will be 5. I fully expected a lot of anti-Farve sentiment, but there was none. Although they DO wish he would retire - NOW!

The Packers Pro Shop in Lambeau is the largest NFL Pro Shop in the league. Phil gave Tinkerbell quite a workout there!

That the uber hi tech security cameras at Lambeau probably resulted in me and Phil being put on their suspected terrorist list for poking thru the shrubs to plant a box (which we promptly removed after hearing about the cameras)

I'm sure there's lots of other things I learned, but don't remember right now. It was such a thrill for this NFL whore to see a Lombardi trophy - or 3 - and to walk up the players ramp into Lambeau field to the fake roar of the crowd gave me goose bumps - our tour guide Patty, a season ticket holder and Packer lifer said it still does that to her. I wonder what it's like to feel like that about your team.....or to have your team feel like that about you - the fan.

I did make it to the UP for part of the last day - not really long enough for wolves or moose. I will go back for that soon. My box tally was 22. I added one state - WI (Phil added 3). But I got to spend 4 days with someone who makes me laugh and who gave me a chance to see that not all NFL franchises are run like a fortune 500. Some are still run with heart - a heart that bleeds green and gold and smells alot like cheese.

The Spirit of Crane

I have always loved cranes ever since I saw a Nat'l Geo special that featured their mating dance when I was 8 or 9. The way they spread their huge white wings and leaped into the air made Baryshnikov look like a piker. I loved the Japanese origami cranes we folded for luck for my ex-roomie Chicaco's wedding. Loved them even when we had to fold a thousand and my fingers were cut and kinda numb. She was a beautiful traditional bride and she believed those cranes ensured her happiness. Maybe they did. I have lost track of her over the years so it is possible.

But I have never seen a crane in the wild.

This past weekend while I was birthday letterboxing with Phil (more about that later), we passed a field with 2 large birds. Light tan in color. Somewhere in size between a turkey hen and a heron. We passed them more than once and I wondered what they were. Finally somewhere on the backroads of Wisconsin I saw 2 close enough to the road to investigate. I turned the car around and parked it on the shoulder of the road to observe a pair of these birds. I noticed that one had a distinctive red 'cap'. I puzzled about that for all of about 2 seconds before I excitedly announced that these were sand hill cranes! After than we began to see them everywhere - sometimes in groups, but most often in pairs almost always in the barren parts of the plowed field. They were quite wary of us and this picture is the best I could get. Hoping that the red cap of this male shows up.

Cranes were everywhere and yet I had never seen one. Of course I wonder why. Why now? What message is it that the cranes are trying to bring? The cranes we had seen were certainly NOT the white cranes I had envisioned from Japanese paintings. Why were they brown? It turns out that the cranes are naturally lighter colored, but because they feed so often in the mud and then preen with muddy beaks, they take on a more brownish mud color. I'm sure it's quite effective from hiding you from predators as well. Maybe that's why the sand hills have survived better. Why were they mostly in pairs?

Sand hill cranes are not endangered like their relatives the whooping cranes. They nest in the area of Wisconsin and Michigan through which we were traveling. That cranes mate for life. That the chicks are referred to for some unknown internal taxonomical joke as colts (HAHAHA!).

A bit if reading reminds me that cranes are graceful despite their ungainly legs and body size. That they are patient, secretive, elegant and mysterious. They are associated with good fortune and I will take all of that I can get. But what specific message did they bring? That I don't know yet. But I will be sitting in meditation with them to find out so stay tuned.

Blows Thru Woman

My friend Gene told me while I was visiting (that sounds nicer than shopping) how much better I looked than ever before, more present and alive. I have heard this more and more since my surgery. I feel completely different than I did three months ago and, honestly, I don't really remember how I felt before. It was like being born anew into a world that loves me and wants me to be here. Of course that is reflected in how I carry myself and how I interact with the world.

One thing that I have not been able to shift successfully yet is my emotionally sponge-y nature. Cancerians are just made to be emotionally connected to the world and everyone and everything in it. I love that about crabs, but that energy has been a challenge to me. For years I got around it by drawing all of my consciousness into my head and just living there. I felt nothing. No one's pain reached me. Of course I felt none of my own either. None of the pain. But also none of the joy. Cool. Rational. Logical. Pain free. As I began to explore my own spiritual nature I was encouraged (some might say strong-armed) into finding another way. The part of my life that came after I began to do that has been deeply fulfilling and rich beyond my wildest dreams (which are quite off the hook in the wild department). As I became more open to my intuitive gifts, I noticed that suddenly there were days where my mood would shift on a dime. Only after years of this did it even occur to me that what I was feeling was not even mine. I can laugh now, but there for a while I thought a big dart gun of lithium might be the only answer. I noticed that I could be giggling and happy as I entered a room and that after a very short period of time I would be angry or sad just like the other people in the room. JUST LIKE THE OTHER PEOPLE IN THE ROOM. That little discovery took me a looooooong time and many experiments to understand. I have no problem feeling the emotions that are mine. In fact I kinda dig them now. But this whole designated pissed off crier for humanity - un unh! Girl ain't doint that.

So I have been looking for ways to remain open enough to the energies around me without also becoming the emotional dumping ground for whatever is currently floating around me. This is most challenging when it comes to my friends where I want my heart to be open. I tried crystals, white light, angels, totems, reiki, you name it. But none of them were completely effective. Most of them worked to keep out the general ick of the world at large so I could move through my day without getting too much glommed onto me. That helped tremendously to keep me moving.

So I am explaining this to Gene and telling him my STORY (UGH! when will I learn to listen to my own stories as attentively as I do everyone else's?) He gently points out to me that I am resisting all of this, trying to keep it all out. I see that my resistance is in fact what attracts it in. Damn you Abraham for that piece of understanding! Kidding I am in fact most grateful. He looks at me and says "Stop resisting it and let it flow through you." I splutter a moment and say "Yes, but my tendency is to analyze it once it's in and see what it is, where it came from, classify and identify like the nerd girl I am." Gene just shakes his head and says "But you don't have to."

I know that he is right. The words taste of truth and there is a certain vibration to them like someone is trying to play my head like a singing bowl. I don't have to hold onto anything that comes to me. I can choose to keep what I want and let the others continue on through me and away. Or I can simply let it all pass thru me in some kind of Buddhist impermanence dance.

Just like that someone handed me the pearl of great price - a solution to what has been hanging me up for years in my family, at work, with lovers, with friends.

I am becoming Blows Thru Woman

Sea Story

I got home and dumped out my finds from Gene's into the bowl where they sit until they have been purified. These didn't really need it. I have been mulling why all the stones were so ocean-y and blue today. Why didn't I select more variety. What moved my hand toward the stones I chose. Understanding the stones, their power and their purpose is part of the process for me. Lots of small tumbled stones subconsciously bought in 5's. The number 5 for me is intimately linked with Leonardo's Vitruvian Man and humanity in general. OK so something about humanity. I start collecting other stones that are scattered about my apartment without thinking about it. They are all blue and green. And the purpose of it becomes clear. We are going to build a healing grid for the Gulf and all the wildlife being affected by the Deep Horizon spill.

I bring out the bowl of stones and a placemat and tell Duz we are going to play. We sit and chat, I arrange a few, but Duz is not involved. I suspect he thinks I have some grand and great idea in my head. I don't. I rarely do. Or that my years of woo-woo experience somehow make me better at this than him. They most certainly DO NOT! I step back in after taking a phone call and find that Duz has completed the grid. He proceeds to tell me the purpose of each stone. It is such a great thing that I wanted to share it with you.

The grid is divided roughly in thirds. The lower third is full of red, orange and yellow stones - the land. The central portin is the mathematical looking grid that I started with - the ocean. The upper third is mostly blue-y greens - the air/ocean. And off in the corner are 3 small cubes of tumbled jet.

At left: These quartz points sitting on the citrine represent the nesting grounds of the sea birds and pelicans. He has placed them with the intention that the nests remain clean and unfouled by oil.


At Right: This piece of Libyan desert glass he says represents the wolf who stands in for all the land animals that they and their habitat remain as unaffected as possible. Other stones he used in this part of the grid include amber, red amethst, a shaman stone broken cleanly in halves,

This piece of azurite with the two quartz singers are to act as sentinels for this area. I wish I had asked him to expand on that idea a little, because his ideas around that may be different than mine, but I see them as guardians of the Gulf and protectors against future accidents of this magnitude.

He has anchored the upper right hand corner of his grid with this piece of celestite and a piece of ajoite to represent clean air over the gulf. Given the current method of burning off the surface crude and converting the oil fouled water into polluted air, I saw this as wise. Celestite for me has a very airy, some might say heavenly quality. And ajoite is just good EVERYWHERE! It is a stone of pure childlike joy.

In the upper left hand corner he has 2 pieces of kyanite and 3 pieces of tumbled jet. The jet represents the oil and he remembers that the kyanite is good for healing and cleaning other tools. So he has used the kyanite to isolate the oil (jet) away from the rest of the grid (ocean/land) and set the intention for it to clean the water as well. Personally I think this piece is brilliant.

The central part of the grid has a lot of things that we added over a couple days including small totems for the crab, turtle, the cowrie shells. It is anchored in the 4 cardinal directions with hemimorphite, chrysocolla, larimar, and lapis. Each covered with a piece of blue apatite. The very center of the grid is a piece of tumbled pink quartz that represents love. 4 small ruby corundums amplifying that heart-love. 4 quartz singers pulsing that love toward the heart of the Gulf. Above it a wave of blue green fluorite cubes that are the color of the perfectly untainted Gulf waters.

We activated our grid by lighting 4 candles. Next to it we placed my Dagara-inspired grief bowl to collect the negative feelings of people from around the world about what is going on in the Gulf. For 3 days it contained salted water and a small Day of the Dead skull bead. The salt and water in this tradition hold and heal the story of this accident. The Day of the Dead bead calls in the ancestors for assistance - and yes, I do know that is mixing belief systems and frankly I don't care. The water was offered to the ground to be transformed to something beautiful and pure and the water in the bowl replaced with clear unsalted water so that the energy of clean water could take its place. (Yes I know the Gulf is salt water. It is about intention more than science accuracy).

On the whole what started as "playing" turned into a very powerful healing tool. And the coolest parts of it were done by someone who has little formal woo-woo training, but great intuitive skills. If he would only believe that were true!!! I encourage you all to play out a pattern that feels good to you. Maybe get your kids involved. You don't need fancy crystals or bowls. Use whatever you have on hand - crayons, legos, spoons, bowls, swiffers, beans, books, index cards with your thoughts on them. Unleash your imagination and tell a story of healing for the Gulf.

Blue-finity

My brother Jim aka Duz has been here for a short week of mostly wonderful things. One of the activities he liked best last time he visited was meeting my friend Gene Jackson (www.thecrystalguy.com). The connections that Spirit encourages between people are sometimes inexplicable to me and this is one of them, but hey twist my arm and make me go play at Gene's house. C'mon puuuuhlease!!! Anyway, Gene had a stone he had put aside for Duz in December after he came back from Tuscon and it didn't feel fair to make him hold that forever, so off to Gene's we went.

Duz ended up with some really great stones - I can't tell you what since I was busy finding my own. He DID take the amethyst phantom in the smoky quartz that Gene had set aside. Double terminated (pointy at both ends) and self-healed. Those qualities seem good for Duz right now - especially the self-healing aspect. I hope he finds a way to use the stone to promote that in his life.

After about 20 minutes Gene handed me a basket (he knows me too well) so that I could tote my finds around with me. Out in his work room, while he and Duz were grunting and playing with power tools, I started poking thru Gene's stash. He is really sweet and let's me do that sometimes. Oh, I know they will cost me, but honestly I have found some of my favorite pieces on his workbench. I opened a flat of stones that he had set aside to cut into smaller pieces suitable for wire-wrapped jewelry. In that box one really beautiful slab gobsmacked me in the head and into the basket it went. (I don't know what it is or what properties is has. Sorry crystologists. I use them intuitively and I like it that way. That's just how I roll). It was joined by some tumbled blue apatite (my new fave), a palm size piece of iolite w/ sunstone, and tumbled half-dollar size pieces of carnelian, hemimorphite, chrysocolla, larimar, and a few other things. For those of you unfamiliar with those stones - they are varying shades of blue and green.

Normally I avoid the blue stones as they amplify alot of things in my nature that do not need amplifying (there IS a reason the blog is called blue blithers). And if left to my own devices, my entire collection of stones would be blue green and purple. As a practitioner, I sometimes need something other than that so I generally minimize the blue-finity and choose some others as well. The slab with its beautiful mahogany and sapphire swirls had inspired those choices and I had let it speak about what else should go in the basket. It is a beautiful stone, but judge for yourself.