Some of you know that I am deathly afraid of heights. Even watching someone I care about scamper up an escarpment or walk too close to the edge is enough to make me weak-kneed enough to have to sit down. Trips to the Badlands, Black Canyon of the Gunnison, Royal Gorge, Tintagel Castle. Each of these have challenged me. But I am stubborn enough that I try it anyway even though it feels like doing so is going to give me heart failure. I have been trying to conquer that, but it is slow going.
When I passed this cool old train trestle I made note of it in my mind so I could come back and walk across it. I absolutely was going to do that. By the time I got back to it, my internal fear monger had tried its best to make me choose not to. This is how things often play out. I want to try something, but the fear monger shows me possibility after possibility of certain embarrassment or death as a result. What if there is no hand railing? It kept asking. Then showing me a picture of me stumbling and tumbling over the edge. I admit I have balance issues. I once fell into a garbage can at work when I turned around too fast and lost my footing. That does lend a certain air of credulity to his view of possibilities.
But I could feel something rise up in rebellion against this view of myself as clumsy. I said NO. I don't acknowledge your world view to the monger. Handrails? I don't care. Openings between the rail ties so that you can see the ground? I don't care. Possibility of meeting a train? I don't care. Falling off? I don't care. I AM DOING IT.
And so I did.
Of course it had a hand rail - you can see it in the photo......but you can also see me in the photo waving to the cowed fear monger.
Awesome! Having my own fear of heights, I really admire your courage :-)
ReplyDeleteWay to be...and you managed to look through a lens and take a photo while in the midst of fear-conquering...that's no small feat to take your eyes off the gripped rail.
ReplyDeleteA current fear I have is of my parents' apathetic, addictive tendencies making their way into my psyche and playing out on Naya as her parent that strives to be present and warm...vs. aloof and unavailable for others. I sometimes take on too many projects, get obsessive about the perfection of those projects, and wave Naya off during those times...yet always aware that this is my version of my parents' yucky gift bestowed. Last week I was doing it a bunch...but last night I reeled myself in and asked Naya if she wanted to do an art project together.
We made these nests drawn elaborately on paper like sticks woven together. Then we made a bunch of feathers, leaves, etc. with words written in them. We colored it all pretty colors. And then we chose what things we're putting in our nests this week, and what things we're taking out. For Naya she put in "Focus, Mama Time, Walking dogs, Dancing..." For me I put in "More eye contact and holding hands with Naya, morning and evening walk with dogs, a little French and German each day..."
And I took out "Computer looping beyond 20 mins., Thinking about this man who has wowed me as much as he has treated me like junk..."
Not a train trellis with threat of death...but my own version of that...internal train trellises...letting go of patterns and looping behaviors. Choosing instead what you actually want in your nest this week instead of letting the fear monger jump in and prop his/her feet up.
Lots of love & warmth,
Sabine
A nest is some powerful magic little sister. To weave one with intention seems to create a place for those things you asked for to gently wing into your life and make a home. Holding the vision of your dreams gently landing on the pond like geese.
ReplyDeleteHeights is one of my things, too - and those shadows make that trestle look a thousand feet high! WOW! With that Will Power, no wonder the Fear Monger is cowering! xoxox
ReplyDeleteGood to read your comment, Sabine - what a talented, aware, smart, great mom you are!
Agree.....she is an amazing woman on every front. Naya one lucky little bird.
ReplyDeleteWhat a gift to read your post and all the following comments! Love the nest image, and the intentionality of filling it with good things. Will be focusing on making a mental 'nest' and what I want to fill it with this week.
ReplyDelete...and what fears I want to conquer!
ReplyDeleteGo Lisa!
ReplyDelete