Sunday, October 10, 2010

Re-writing Herstory

We all carry around bad childhood memories.  Some of us more than most.  I have been jettisoning those for years and have recently started rewriting others.  Today I was thinking about a boy I kissed in eighth grade right after I broke up with my first boyfriend, Ducky.  (Yes, that was his nickname.  Way before Jon Cryer gave us an iconic Ducky).  Jimmy and I hooked up after an evening of Boone's Farm.  We ended up kissing and I let him feel my boobs.  

I was a wild child with no sense of personal boundaries or any idea of how to say no nor any desire to say it.  These are common traits in sexually abused children.  I wouldn't learn about that for 25 years - that I have the right to say no.  It still challenges me.  I would not remember any of this except for what happened after.  Jimmy asked me out after that and I said no for many reasons but mostly because Ducky and I were going out again and I REALLY like Ducky.  It's possible that the kiss was orchestrated just to make Ducky jealous and force his hand.  I will not deny machinations of this sort.  No doubt finding himself the pawn probably wounded Jimmy's little boy's ego.   Or not.  I just don't know.

Then he did what alot of boys do - he bragged about it loudly to my classmates in my hearing to deliberately hurt my feelings and embarrassed me.  I had been hurt in many ways by men before that.  But, this was something new to be intentionally crushed so that you could save face.  That fed the big black hole inside me in ways that allowed it to continue to grow in size and consume every relationship I tried to build.  

That whole black hole thing-y has been resolving itself over the last few years.  It's alot of work.  My adult self can't help but re-write that script in a way that appeals to me.  Something more like this.

J:  (loudly) Yunno last night MD let me feel her tits and all I had to do was kiss her once.  
::laughter of young boys::  (glances sideways to see if words hit their mark)

M:  (confrontational) Is this really how you want to play this?

J: (air of pretend 13 year old bravado) ::shrugs shoulder::

M:  ::channeling adult MD::  Let me tell you Jimmy S. that you will be the yardstick by which I measure all future kisses.  Every boy/man I kiss, I will compare to you.  

J:  ::smile curling::

M:  Compare them to you and find them ALL superior.  EVERY.ONE.OF.THEM.  That's right.  You are the worst set of lips I will encounter well into middle age, possibly ever.  Kissing you was like having a carp that had been long dead and lying on the beach in the noonday sun bloating for days smushed into my face leaving a trail of slime in its wake.  ::pops pose, hands on hips and arches eyebrow::

J:  ::gulps::

(sound of boys guffawing)

Exeunt all


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