Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Blows Thru Woman

My friend Gene told me while I was visiting (that sounds nicer than shopping) how much better I looked than ever before, more present and alive. I have heard this more and more since my surgery. I feel completely different than I did three months ago and, honestly, I don't really remember how I felt before. It was like being born anew into a world that loves me and wants me to be here. Of course that is reflected in how I carry myself and how I interact with the world.

One thing that I have not been able to shift successfully yet is my emotionally sponge-y nature. Cancerians are just made to be emotionally connected to the world and everyone and everything in it. I love that about crabs, but that energy has been a challenge to me. For years I got around it by drawing all of my consciousness into my head and just living there. I felt nothing. No one's pain reached me. Of course I felt none of my own either. None of the pain. But also none of the joy. Cool. Rational. Logical. Pain free. As I began to explore my own spiritual nature I was encouraged (some might say strong-armed) into finding another way. The part of my life that came after I began to do that has been deeply fulfilling and rich beyond my wildest dreams (which are quite off the hook in the wild department). As I became more open to my intuitive gifts, I noticed that suddenly there were days where my mood would shift on a dime. Only after years of this did it even occur to me that what I was feeling was not even mine. I can laugh now, but there for a while I thought a big dart gun of lithium might be the only answer. I noticed that I could be giggling and happy as I entered a room and that after a very short period of time I would be angry or sad just like the other people in the room. JUST LIKE THE OTHER PEOPLE IN THE ROOM. That little discovery took me a looooooong time and many experiments to understand. I have no problem feeling the emotions that are mine. In fact I kinda dig them now. But this whole designated pissed off crier for humanity - un unh! Girl ain't doint that.

So I have been looking for ways to remain open enough to the energies around me without also becoming the emotional dumping ground for whatever is currently floating around me. This is most challenging when it comes to my friends where I want my heart to be open. I tried crystals, white light, angels, totems, reiki, you name it. But none of them were completely effective. Most of them worked to keep out the general ick of the world at large so I could move through my day without getting too much glommed onto me. That helped tremendously to keep me moving.

So I am explaining this to Gene and telling him my STORY (UGH! when will I learn to listen to my own stories as attentively as I do everyone else's?) He gently points out to me that I am resisting all of this, trying to keep it all out. I see that my resistance is in fact what attracts it in. Damn you Abraham for that piece of understanding! Kidding I am in fact most grateful. He looks at me and says "Stop resisting it and let it flow through you." I splutter a moment and say "Yes, but my tendency is to analyze it once it's in and see what it is, where it came from, classify and identify like the nerd girl I am." Gene just shakes his head and says "But you don't have to."

I know that he is right. The words taste of truth and there is a certain vibration to them like someone is trying to play my head like a singing bowl. I don't have to hold onto anything that comes to me. I can choose to keep what I want and let the others continue on through me and away. Or I can simply let it all pass thru me in some kind of Buddhist impermanence dance.

Just like that someone handed me the pearl of great price - a solution to what has been hanging me up for years in my family, at work, with lovers, with friends.

I am becoming Blows Thru Woman

2 comments:

  1. Blows Thru Woman...thank you for this, such a valuable lesson!

    Repeating to myself:
    "I don't have to hold onto anything that comes to me. I don't have to hold onto anything that comes to me. I don't have to hold onto anything that comes to me."

    Jane P.

    ReplyDelete
  2. That sounds like an excellent mantra!

    ReplyDelete

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