Gratitude

It's been a rough year for me. All centered and revolving around one person. I had gotten to the point where I thought we were not gonna even be able to cut it as friends and that made me sad. I believed that my only solution was to cut ties to end the pain. But I am blessed with great friends on this side and peeps on the other. One of my this-side-friends, Sherry, made me take a hard look at how the situation really was and how the pain that I was feeling was because I refused to let go. I hated her for telling me the hard truth. I loved her for exactly the same reason (everyone should have a friend like Sherry who loves you so well they kick your ass for your own good). And today I just love her period.

I resisted hearing her. But truth is she has had to do this more than once and I have at least learned to resist what she says less. I finally accepted that I could not untangle this Gordian Knot by myself. I brought in my peeps and handed the mess to them. They created this relationship. If there was something yet to be gotten from it, they would find a way to undo that knot and bring the friendship back on track. I let go of my need to know and to control the outcome and just went on with my life. My mood lightened every day so I knew something was at work. Once I felt less heavy and obsessed with finding a solution, I was able to see what Sherry meant. I had held onto something that was not there. Held onto it desperately even to the point of injuring myself. All under the guise of love. I had been hurt. Had been lied to. I was entitled to feel those things when that happened. But I was the one who was creating the hurt now, in some sick way, maybe to keep the guise of a relationship alive where there was none. I hate failing. I especially hate failing in relationships. And this certainly felt like a big FUBAR failure. I didn't want to admit I had failed. I did it anyway. Just opened my hands and let it go not worrying about the outcome. Knowing the pain of this short term would be less than if I continued down my current path.

The funny thing is that there was almost no pain. There was a kind of euphoria in letting go of what I had used to hurt myself. In letting go of the anger and blame that I had mistakenly pushed outward or re-directed inwardly. Began to see how I didn't even really want the thing I was hanging onto so fiercely. I had wanted it once. Why did I hang onto it? A kind of poverty consciousness perhaps that if I did not have that, then I had nothing. BULLSHIT! Suddenly I was happier than I had been in months. In the next week I understood how my thoughts/feelings had been the very thing interfering with our being friends. Now, I suspect that we are going to do just that. Probably better than I ever hoped. Definitely with more truth. With a clearer understanding of the love we do have for each other - which is really quite amazing. And with lots of joy and laughter.

Ironically as this situation resolved, new relationship opportunities began to flood in. Had these always been there? Had I pushed them away by holding on like that? I find I am excited to shake the sadness off like drops of rain and to turn my eyes softly toward a new and different future. How great is my life?

Extreme gratitude to Sherry, to the peeps, to Homer whose patience is sometimes incomprehensible to me, and to the woman who learned that to get what you want you have to let go of what you have.....or what you think you have.