Monday, April 12, 2010

Time Out

So I am 3 weeks out from surgery and I will write more about that as the pieces resolve. Today's topic is the place of spiritual time out. No, it isn't a naughty spot I got sat on for misbehaving. But it is a very quiet cocoon-y place compared to where I usually live.

Let me back up and explain. Generally I live in a world full of contact with the here and now and all heres and all nows (oooooo-sounds all mystical weird doesn't it). Those folks working with me on the other side aka the Peeps or the other side Peeps (not to be confused with marshmallow peeps cuz these Peeps are anything but squishy and sweet) are a constant presence for me. So are some of you in a very good way. People I am close to, people I have worked with, people I love - when something happens to you, I often get a sense of that. Sometimes it's as gentle as wanting to reach out to someone and sometimes its more like a sucker punch to the solar plexus.

A couple weeks before surgery, I reached out to my friends for help because...well....I was a hot mess of nerves questioning who I was at the core of my being and what makes me who I am. I really didn't think I was gonna make it to my surgical date without canceling. With your help, I immediately began to feel calmer so that by the time surgery rolled around I had no nerves. Just more of a sense of can we get on with this. (I am a ponderer of all things. May take months to mull and weigh options. But once I make a decision I am all action like an OCD Aries). So although the decision appeared to have been made months before, I did not really decide until about a week out.

That sense of calm came as my world got quieter and quieter. I stopped actively holding space for those around me and allowed them to hold it for me instead. I could feel them envelope me, cocoon me, love me - but I could no longer "feel" them in the same way. Even my Peeps became very quiet in the run up to surgery and the weeks after (altho I am pretty sure that oxycontin, that magic bullet of numbness, interferes with that sort of dialogue. Subsequent experiments would seem to bear that out).

So here I am 3 weeks out and the Peeps are still being quite quiet. No demands. No funny, decidedly pointed, stories from Mama. So quiet, they were starting to scare me a bit. But then I remembered a time not too long ago when something similar happened. A period of intense personal work and healing. Then it was up to me to choose to leave the cocoon - to eclose my bigger badder more beautiful butterfly self. Up to me to reach out and make clearer contact with them rather than vice versa. I am not sure how long they would let me linger in there all safe and happy. I just know it's time to go. And it's a time to clean house and get rid of bonds that no longer serve me (or more rightfully just not pick them back up out of habit). It always surprises me how many of those there are. Now I have space for new things to excite me, new people to wander in and maybe stay, new places to meander.

Sighs......and time to learn how to fly on these bitchin' new wings. And yunno how things always work out for me. Yesterday I saw the first swallowtail. So it seems my teacher is ready and waiting.

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