Doppleganger

I went to dinner with a friend of mine last night. In the middle of much laughter, truly thought-provoking conversation and some interesting food, a woman sat down at the table a couple down from us. My heart skipped a beat, my stomach tried to take a powder via my mouth and suddenly the food that had been so tasty only moments before, now tasted like ash in my mouth. The conversation tapered as my friend noticed my reaction. She didn't ask, but she watched me watching this young woman in her late 20's or early 30's and could tell something was up. It's not like I am good at hiding it. She waited for me to spill it.

I try not to stare. Try not to let my eyes fill with either hate or tears - both of which I am feeling in spades. Try to stay in my place instead of going to the bathroom where I can melt down in peaceful privacy. This young woman hasn't done or said anything to warrant that reaction. As far as I know I do not even know her. The thing is that she looks rather like the young woman an ex-lover is now dating (thank you FB for sucking up my life in new and stupid ways like that). I know she isn't her, but the resemblance is enough that I hate her - even though I try to make myself reel that shit back in. Even if she were that young woman, that hate would be unwarranted. But I cannot stop myself. THAT is what I feel in the moment. Oh it's fucked up and I know it. And I will spend many hours making up for this bit of bad juju I have let loose in the world.

I try to understand why I feel this way still sometimes. Jealousy - absolutely! Jealous of any woman who shares his bed or his heart or his time even if I know it won't last. Not that crazy-ass tire slashing kinda COPS jealous. But envious of what I no longer have. Sad that that is so. It's human nature to want to be the one who is chosen and not the one left standing alone like the cheese. I definitely do not like the Cheese position! HURT - OMFG yeah. Hurt that I was desirable as a friend, but as a lover I guess I was inadequate. I don't really know because he never told me why. He just moved on. Leaving me to play out every conversation and try to pinpoint what the hell happened instead of offering me the courtesy of an explanation for his choices. I am tired of trying to solve the riddle. Tired of the harshness of it all. Tired of being the cheese. Tired of being reminded by this woman's presence that I was somehow just not enough.


Note: Please don't read this and get angry for me or be sad or anything else. It's my junk to figure out. I don't feel this way all the time, but it does hit me from time to time. I process my junk by writing about it and I guess I hope if I do that I will understand why this one hurts more than any of the others.