A Mama's Guilt

NB: This is NOT a blog about THAT Mama

My mom is the reigning queen of guilt. She has held that throne for as long as I can remember. All mama's beg at her feet to learn what she knows about this subject. As one of her children, I am especially conditioned to respond to her guiltimatums. So today she called me at work and the following conversation ensued:

M - Are you sitting down?
Me - Yes
M - I am afraid I have some bad news (this even tho' I have asked her NEVER to start a conversation this way unless she has REALLY bad news about herself).
Me - sighs
M - I was reading the obituaries this morning (FYI - This is part of her morning routine. She likes to be the one to alert the world to someone who is dead. My brother in MT gets mail clippings about this shit all the time).
Me - sighs again...slightly louder

She continues on without taking note of the sighing and proceeds to read me an obituary about a Mr. Simon Klump - the dad of a friend of mine from 15 years ago. I was friends with his daughter Nellie for 15 years and hung out regularly with all his kids. But when I got sick, I decided to make some changes in my life. I recognized the early stages of alcoholism and gave up drinking (or at least cut way back). I continued to call Nellie, but it was obvious that my sobriety was a kind of social leprosy to her. I finally gave up on her and started building my life over from scratch. My mom is well aware of this story.

M - So it says here the visitation is from 5-7 and the funeral is to follow at St. Bartholomews.
Me - Well.....I am working until 6 and have class at 7.
M - What?
Me - I can't go. I am working and have class?
M - But she was your friend
Me - Yunno we have talked about this before. I haven't talked to any of those people since I got sober.
M - (insistently) She was your friend
Me - WAS my friend (getting a little pissy with her)
M - (sniffs) Well I thought you would want to know (said with that faint air of superiority which makes her the Guilt Master)
Me - Thanks for telling me.
M - I am sure it would mean alot to Nellie if you went.
Me - Mom we have been over this before. I haven't heard from any of the Klumps since I got sober.
M - Well honey I think you should go.
Me- (losing all semblance of patience). Why? It's not like I have heard squat from any of them in 15 years. Haven't talked to any of them since I quit drinking.
M -The phone works both ways you know (sanctimoniously)
Me- Mom, I DID call her for months and tried to arrange stuff. She and all her family gave up on me because I got sober.
M- I'm sure you're exaggerating.

She has now punched the last digit in the launch sequence and what follows is the same predictable scenario that has played out a million times between the two of us on a wide variety of subject. It is boring and repetitious.

Me - Are you listening to me? I can't go. Wouldn't go even if I were available - which I am not.
M - Well sweetie, you will have lots of nights of class. This is your only chance to go to the funeral.
Me - I am not going. If you wanna go, then go. But I don't want to go and am not going.
M - Well I don't wanna go by myself. She isn't MY friend.
Me - And she isn't MY friend either. Never was.
M- I just thought it might be nice for you to see Nellie again.
Me - (now pissed off beyond belief and wanting the entire conversation to just end). I am a grown up able to make my own decisions. Thanks for telling me about Nellie's dad.
M - So are you going or not? (with a bit of a tone)
Me - NO!
M - now she sighs that what-did-I-do-to-deserve-such-an-ungrateful-child sighs
Me - Did you want anything els because I am at work yunno.
M - No (sharply and with the full weight of her not inconsiderable Mama guilt behind it)
Me - Fine. I gotta go. Bye

By the time we hang up I am fuming. Why is she able to get to me every damn time?


Insight added a couple weeks later: My mom is very good at locating the pockets of crap that I am holding onto. She pokes at them with her big stick and they drain out their negative pus and goo. She gets the sharp edge of my tongue for doing this more often than not. Sigh....but I am learning. The conversation above helped me realize that even though I had moved on, I had held onto the hurt and anger toward my former friends. Today I realize that I have a whole new wonderful life full of new friends that I love because they did this. Friends that I would never have gotten to know if I had stayed nested with them. Able to let that go finally felt good. Now trying to see that every time that feels hard and painful like that is, in fact, a doorway to something new and wonderful that I have manifested